Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I am so sorry to keep y’all hanging..

Words can’t describe how bad I feel about giving a teaser and then taking forever to fill you all in on what has been going on around here. We were out of town and now my wonderful mom is visiting us and then I head back out of town..and well…things have just been a little crazy!

First I want to clear the air by saying that we ARE NOT pregnant. When I re-read my last post again I realized that it kind of sounded like I was or it was something of that nature. That being said, we will progress to what is really been going on with me and the hubs (and of course the Charles)! The main topic area for this post is of course the elephant in the room..our fertility treatments (or lack there of). After the last cycle and all the drama that it ensued it caused the Hubs and I to stop and think about where we wanted to go with this next. If you want a recap on that you can read here and here. My initial plan was to jump right back into the treatments once we got to Utah and I got all of my tri-care stuff switched over. At the same time though I was really dreading injecting more medication, dealing with more swelling and everything else that I have experienced during these treatments (don’t misunderstand me…if there was the end result of a baby it would all be worth it but the more negatives we get the harder it is). I was also dreading finding a new fertility specialist and going through all of the initial stuff again (we did however get our full records from the NJ doc).

This whole process has been very frustrating and heart-breaking but I am finally coming to a point where I am at peace with the wait and what God has for us. The hubs and I had a long talk a few weeks ago and decided not to start fertility treatments out here right now. Each time we to through another cycle my body seems to take it harder and harder. The more I thought about trying to find a new doc out here and getting started again the more anxious I got! I finally stopped and thought "what if we don't jump into it right now and just see what God has for us" and it is really funny because I felt instant peace. God is crazy like that :) As much as we would love to have kids we also are enjoying getting settled here and spending time together. OH yeah and we baby sat a 3 month old little girl last week and the Charles wasn't really a fan of a baby that cries! We had a lot of fun but we also realized how much our lives are going to change when we do have our own and right now we just need to get settled here first.

We finally just realized that no matter what measures we take God has a plan and he can bring us a baby whether we are doing fertility treatments or not. Not to say that we won't have to do them again down the road but we are waiting right now for God to show us what he has for us NOW and we don't feel that it is that. I do want to make it clear though that we are not expecting to get pregnant miraculously and I know that we will most likely have to start the treatments again once we are ready but I am also not doubting God and His timing in all of this. I hope this makes sense! I don't mean to bash the treatments and I think God could still use those but not now. I debated on how much or whether to share any of this because I really don’t want to discourage anyone from treatments or talk bad about them at all. I do feel though that you all have been such an encouragement during this process and it is only fair to share this with you too. I also want anyone who has gone through any type of fertility struggles/treatments or is going through them now to know that I am praying for you and that you are amazingly strong for enduring this!

One of the biggest frustrations since our decision has been dealing with the after affects of the treatments. Since I had so many big follicles last time my tummy swelled up some. The nurses said it was normal because of all the follies. That was fine as we were going through the treatments but I thought that once I had my visit from AF my tummy would return to its normal state. That however has not been the case. It has been over a month now from AF and my tummy is still just as swollen. When I went home last weekend I made my mom, sis and bf feel it and they all agreed that I felt like I was two months pregnant (which would be fine if I was but since i’m not..well it is driving me crazy)!!

I went to the doctor on base on monday because I wanted to see if I could get an ultrasound to make sure that the follicles didn’t turn into cysts and that they weren’t going to cause problems.  He proceeded to dash my hopes at finding that out by stating that since I have PCOS that most likely they did turn to cysts and that unless I want to go back on birth control I just have to tough it out until we want to start treatments again. Since we are planning on starting treatments in the next year I opted not to go on BC (and because I hate it) so basically I have to deal with the pain and swelling…oh yay :( The doc did do some blood work to make sure my testosterone isn’t too high but other than that he said he didn’t want to take the chance of damaging my ovaries by removing the cysts. So yes, right now I am working through the hard thoughts of feeling fat and swollen without the end result of a baby (i’m not going to lie, it has and will continue to be very hard for me to overcome this).

The hubs and are are getting adjusted and really like it in Utah. We are planning on running two marathons and a crazy 10k in the next few months and we just ran in the San Fran 1/2 marathon which was amazing (more on this stuff later)!

Thank you all again for your support and encouragement through all of this! I will keep you updated on what is going on with us (and try my darndest to be a better blogger)!

Oh and I am proud to say that the Charles turned 3 on baby is getting so old! We gave him doggy ice cream with a bone candle :)

Have a great day!


  1. I think you're making a good decision - sometimes it's helpful just to take a break. I'll still be praying for you!

  2. Ashley, I think it's great that you guys are doing what you feel is best for you. And I will continue to be here to support you with whatever decision you decide. I love reading your blog! :) I think jumping into more treatments before you are ready is just cause for unnecessary stress. I'm sorry to hear about the potential cysts! I'll be praying those go away soon and you don't have any more problems with them! And happy birthday to Charles! :)

  3. Oh sweet Ashley, I am thinking of y'all! Everything you are describing sounds so tough, but you are doing the right thing by leaning on Christ. Keep your chin up-God hears and will answer your prayers.

  4. Stopping by from SITS....I think it is amazing how you two are dealing with your issues...I can only imagine the struggles both mentally and physically....It is AMAZING the things God has in store....and if you just trust in him...he will make your family complete one way or another!!!

  5. BTW...I'm also an AF spouse...noticed you were in NJ too...figured may be stationed at the same base....

  6. I'm glad you made peace with waiting for a while...this all might be in Gods plan for you. I'll be praying for you!

  7. Thanks Ashley for the comment! Amazing things happen when you find peace in the present! I had never dated and was longing for a boyfriend. My 3rd year in college I finally gave it all up to God and was happy with what I was doing ..single...and guess what not even 3 months later I started dating my future husband! I will keep you in my prayers!

    I also wanted to say that my husband and I the other day were talking about mission fields and Utah has got to be tops!! You don't need to travel out of the US for missions! Praying for you in your new home too!

  8. Ashley, I'm so inspired by how awesome you are being about all of this. I too try to see where God is leading me, and I'm working to not try to question everything. You're so lucky to have a wonderful husband--God has really blessed you.

  9. Good for you for listening to the plan that God has for you all! You will be blessed immeasurably because of it. I'm praying for you!

  10. Stopping by from SITS. My thoughts reflect what has already been said -- sometimes we just need to go with god's plan, trust it, and see where it takes us!