Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Mixed Emotions

There have been a lot of emotions throw around lately. Blame it on the hormones or desperate wanting of a little bambino or whatever but I have been one emotional gal as of late! I know and have known for a while that I tend to act on my emotions so I have been working hard to pray about things, wait them out and make sure that I am making a well rounded decision (well as best as I can). That has worked well for some things and some things I don't have a choice (i.e. the fertility stuff), but there are also times where no matter how much I try to think through things and pray about them the emotions still play a big role and I get so confused. Don't worry I have a point to all of this and I am getting to it :)

One of the main areas that I am referring to has to do with working. During the end of our time in New Jersey I had decided to stop working which ended up being a huge blessing because the time commitment of the fertility treatments I underwent out there would have made working really difficult. Yes, money was tighter but we adjusted and didn't notice it that much. Then the hubs got deployed and we moved out of our house and I stayed with my folks for those months allowing us to save a lot of money. Getting used to having more money is not always a good thing! By the time we moved to Utah (though I had vowed not to work out here either) I was in desperate need of a break from the fertility treatments and had the itch to work again. Yes those emotions came into play and I ignored all of the reasons that I had held tightly to for the last year as to why I didn't want to work. After filling out what seemed like hundreds of applications I ended up getting in touch with a Staffing Agency that I had previously been signed up with in NJ.

They have been great and were able to get me a temporary job right away. For me the idea of a temporary job is great because I don't need health insurance and that way I am not being forced to commit to a long period of time. I was really excited until I got to the job and was greeted with zero work. Apparently they thought they would be getting more work in for this project but it ended up drying up pretty quick. About a week and a half after starting this new job it was over. I contacted the Staffing Agency right away excited for what they had next for me (apparently the itch to work was still active). Again they were great and landed me a job with the same bank in a different department making more than I have made before. I also got to work with Aircraft which was really neat because the Hubs works with Aircraft and so it made me understand his passions a little more :) This assignment was another temporary one that was to last for three months and ended at the end of December. As I got more into the project I really enjoyed the work and the people I was working with. The commute though was not that fun since it was anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour one way. The more I worked the more I realized I didn't have time to do anything else. Also, the more I made the more we spent..usually how it goes :) So although we were able to do a lot of things that we might not have been able to do if I wasn't working, we weren't really saving that much money. The days were long, the weeks were fast and the weekends were filled with trying to catch up on cleaning and other things I had slacked off on during the week.

Also, due to the Hubs current schedule he would get home about two hours before me each day and then we would both go to bed really early (like old people early) so we basically didn't get to see much of each other. As the assignment went on the itch to work slowly died and the itch for a baby came back full force. If you have been reading my blog for the past few months you can probably see the transition. It has been hard and stressful and since I jumped right into working after we moved here I really don't have any friends in Utah to lean on. Don't get me wrong the hubs is great but I started realizing the need for those location close girlfriends. Since there had been a lot of talk about extending my assignment time and everyone seemed to be really pleased with my work I had a big decision to make: Keep working and postpone the longings of my heart (friendships and a baby) or decided to decline the extension. A few weeks before the end of December I made the decision. I let both the bank and the staffing agency know that we were going to start fertility treatments again and that I wouldn’t' be able to keep working. Although it was hard, the decision was made and I felt good.


My supervisor at work basically came up to me and asked what it would take to keep me here. Now that is nice to hear, don't get me wrong, but it once again threw my plans into a tailspin and I had another decision to make. We decided that I would try to work part-time and see how that worked out on both ends. They were really good about giving me the time off for my surgery and they said over and over that they would be very flexible in the days that I wanted to work as long as I got the hours in. It was great but the commute was still hard and now driving that long for less hours was something to consider. Let me say this before I continue…I totally love the people that I have been working with and I really enjoy the work so that made these decisions even harder.

I prayed a lot about it and still wasn’t sure what to do. The surgery came and my recovery was a lot harder than I thought it would be. During that time I had a lot of doubts about continuing working. I had also recently joined the Officers Spouses Club  and am now the Treasure for it and the Membership Co-Chair. I started seeing the different ways to get involved and meet people and also started to see how they would conflict with working (even part time). I also was so tired that even the thought of going to work made me want to burst into tears..those darn emotions again!

During our quick trip to Cali I made the decision to put in my notice and stop working all together. Although we didn't know the outcome of the surgery yet the doctor had basically already said that we would probably have to do the shots again and I knew the time commitment of that. I was just ready to be done and I had also realized that by me not working we might actually save more money because I have time to cook and be more strict about the budget.

On the drive back to Utah I called the staffing agency and let them know my decision. They were really understanding and even suggested that I go on the on-call list incase I want to work a fill-in day here and there. My goal as I went to work the next day was to get through these last two weeks. However, when I got to work I somehow got this renewed passion for work and now I am very sad to leave. I am really going to miss everyone at work and even the work itself. Also, once we went to doctor and found out that we won't be starting treatments right away (and hopefully never) I started to feel guilty for putting my notice in too quick. But what is done is done and there was no going back.

I know that once I am done and getting more involved I probably feel good about my decision. I truly do think my heart is at home supporting my hubs and hopefully growing our family. I am trying not to freak-out about the money thing. I know we will be fine but it doesn't make it any less scary. Today when I was reading my devotions God clearly was reminding me that as long as I am focused on Him and what he is calling me to do then He will work out the rest (including money and family). So that is what I am going to do. I am going to focus on what God is calling me to do and leave the rest up to him. I am going to try and acknowledged and then get rid of all the extra emotions that are making me crazy and feeling so wishy-washy (the one's which I know are not from God). I know God will work everything out and I think this is one more step of learning how to truly lean on Him for everything! I am really looking forward to seeing what God has in-store for us these next few months..I think sometimes I let Satan into my head and mess with my emotions. Being an adult and making these decisions is so hard some times!

One last thing: I realize that there are many people out there who are looking for jobs and I am very sensitive to the fact that this post might be frustrating and I apologize if I offended anyone. I know finding a job is a tough thing and I am praying for those of you how I know are looking. To you it might seem like I am throwing away this job opportunity but I am just trying to follow where I feel God is leading me and my family.

So I know this was a rather long and wordy post and if you stayed with me to the end..well thank you!! I just needed to get it out on paper (or blog) so I could get it out of my head :)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Some Good News On the Doctor Front

So I figured I have left you all hanging long enough for the post-op results from the Doctor.

We had the appointment on Thursday afternoon (remember I knew nothing of what they did or found for the last two weeks). The hubs came with me which I was so thankful..he is a great support! Anyways, after a little mix up with the nurse – there are way to many Ashley’s in this world – we made it back to the room to wait for the doctor. I told the hubs that I was just sure they would come in and say “oh we didn’t find anything” which would be nice and very frustrating at the same time! I was also a little scared that they would say my tubes were blocked or something.

However, neither one was the case. Once the doctor came in she went over all the details of the pictures and what was done. Oh but first I had to explain to her in way too much detail how I was feeling and how the recovery had went, sometimes I think I give way too much information but I can’t stop myself! Okay, back to what the doc said. She explained that they had removed a cyst from outside of my ovary, which was the reason stated for the surgery. I also had a lot of fluid build up behind my uterus and some endometriosis (which caused the fluid build up). They got rid of fluid and the endometriosis and my tubes were all clear..yay! I think I have said this before but she has explained to us that with endometriosis, the inflammation and fluid  can be toxic to the sperm and basically kill the little guys before they have a chance to get to the egg. It can also mess up ovulation and make your CM very acidic which also kills the sperm.

She went on to explain that since they have removed all of that my fertility should increase significantly for the next 6 months. She said everything else looked pretty good so this might be the fix we needed..we have to wait and see.

After asking her about 5 million questions on what the next steps are we formed a plan of action. The hubs and I are going to try naturally for the next two months. Well mostly, she did put me on metformin and gave me progesterone for after I ovulate. She suggested that I use the ovulation predictor kit during this time as well. Peeing on a stick, whether for ovulation or pregnancy has never gone well for me so we will see :) Oh and the hubs was great since I am started freaking out over missing the time since i don’t know how long my cycles are and they only have 7 sticks and I don’t trust the off-brand, he finally just said for me to buy extra and start sooner :) If the kit is not positive or we don’t get pregnant in the next two months (or three but I am only willing to wait two months) then we will go see the specialist and probably start the injections and IUI’s again.

I was thrilled with the news but I am also trying really hard not to be pessimistic but also not to get my hopes up! I know it is truly in God’s hands but I still fight the feeling of it being impossible. I know that might sound bad but that’s how I feel.

I know some of you commented about how it is a good sign that I started my period after the surgery and I totally agree! Since I know you can have a period without ovulating, I am really praying that is not the case. Thank you all so much for your prayers and support through all of this! I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Each one of you encourages me through your comments and blog posts and I don’t know how I would fair without you!

One final thing before I go..If you read this before Monday morning would you please pray. A good friend of mine is three months pregnant and there might be an issue with the baby. They are having an ultrasound done tomorrow and please pray that the issue is resolved! It can be a very scary thing but I know that God has his hand on this as well! Thanks :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Yes, I am alive and kicking..

So I just realized that I haven’t written anything since my pre-surgery post. So if you were worried or wondered if I survived..well I did. As far as I know the surgery went well. It was kind of strange because right before I went in Dr. B told me that since I would be pretty loopy after the procedure and probably wouldn’t remember anything, she was going to give me the pictures they took and explain it all to me at my post-op appointment two weeks later. I think it also had something to do with the fact that she had other surgeries scheduled right after mine. But anyways, I was a little bummed because I wasn't fond the of idea of waiting two weeks to find out the verdict and know what exactly the next steps are. Oh well…that’s life :)

The Hubs and my Mom were great and didn’t let me do anything the first few days. It helped too that due to the nausea from the pain meds, I slept the whole first day. I thought I would be down for a few days and then bounce right back but I was so glad I had taken the whole week off because I was wiped! I did get to enjoy some quality mom time though and got hooked on Mercy and Brothers and Sisters (thanks Netflix)! The Hubs thought the surgery took about an hour..all I remember is getting rolled into the room and then getting woken up and trying not to throw up as they made me coke down real coke and sprite (I only drink diet so ewww).

I was pretty sore afterwards but basically I was just really tired. I didn’t really like taking the pain meds but if I didn’t I would get really crampy. They sent me home with the pictures so my mom searched the internet consulting with Dr. Google to see what the pictures meant.

By thursday I was starting feel more like myself, which was good since we headed out to Cali for the long weekend. Not the greatest idea for a recovery weekend but oh was it fun! I got to catch up with so many friends and some quality family time. Oh and enjoy a little sun in LA with some yummy food! I was exhausted but enjoyed all of it!

Going back to the surgery part. When I got discharged they gave me all of my instructions and on the paper the told me I am not allowed to stick anything in the vajaja for two weeks (and then specified not tampons, douches or intercourse). The doctor had already told us about that so I wasn’t surprised but I was very upset when AF (who is usually a no show) decided to show up last yeah I had to go old school today at work (only a big pad) which was not fun and totally uncomfortable.

I go to the doc tomorrow so I will find out all the details and report back. Hopefully I will get cleared for extracurricular activities and tampons!


Friday, January 7, 2011

Surgery Day – Please Pray

In about 10 minutes the hubs and I are heading out for my laparoscopic surgery. I have been meaning to post about all the doctor craziness but I just ran out of time. Long story short My Doctor went on medical leave but she is back in time to do my surgery. Please  pray that everything goes well and that hopefully they find out some answers to help get me pregnant!

Well that’s all for now. I am hoping I will be able to blog more about all of this when I am “recovering”, especially because I took the whole week off of work :) Hey you have to use any excuse you can get!