It’s funny..as much as I knew it probably wouldn’t happen this month, as much as I kept telling myself (and the hubs) not to get our hopes up and as much as I tried not to plan for the “what-if’s” all in an effort for it to be less painful, less disappointing; it didn’t make any difference.
Today I took a pregnancy test and was greeted by the dreaded BFN. Shocker..I know.
The reason that I took the test is because today is my last day of progesterone for this month and I needed to be sure I wasn’t pregnant before I stopped taking it. I tried so hard this month not to get my hopes up, especially with all the confusion on when to take the progesterone. I don’t even think I ovulated..yet it still was really hard to see those words. I think I was really nervous all night because I didn’t sleep well and had a dream that we got a positive test. Unfortunately it was only and dream and it has yet to become a reality.
The last few days I had allowed myself to plan what we would do if it was positive and although it made it harder I don’t regret it because it helped keep my sanity. However, I kept warning the hubs that we shouldn’t be planning anything because when we do it always turns out negative.
I was very down this morning and really didn’t want to go to bible study. However, I went and God used that time to show me that it is not all about me and my wants or desires. Not that they are bad but he might have other plans. I feel a little better now and I am excited about what he has in store for us. I just wish I could shake the feeling that it is one more month lost or one more month closer to realizing it is never going to happen. Sorry but that is the honest truth. I think I am struggling with what to pray. I know that God tells us to ask for the desires of our hearts but I also know that He has a plan for my life and I have submitted to do His will. Right now I am praying for a little bambino (and soon)but I am also praying that if He has something else for us to change the desires of our hearts.
Anyways, I didn’t mean to be such a downer today I just wanted to keep you all in the loop as to what is going on here. I feel like I have a decent game plan for next month and then if we are still not pregnant I will start the process of seeing the RE again (well a new one) and probably starting a more aggressive treatment plan. I think right now though the Charles and I are going to cuddle on the couch and have some quality mommy/puppy bonding time while catching up on shows :)