I am going going to be completely honest with you all…I keep hoping to get more regular with my blogging but lately it's not even the time factor. I have been really down and have had a rough couple of weeks and well I didn't only want to post more Debbie downer posts and I just haven't had the heart or motivation for the lighter posts so I just didn't write. I thought you all deserved an update/recap on what has been going on with me (if you were wondering). During the next few weeks I don't know how much I will be able to post, my parents are getting in town on Sunday and then I hopefully have my surgery that Friday (more on that) and well again it's just been tough and although it feels good be able to write it all out I have realized that I have to be cautious about what I put because I don't know who is reading this and I don't want to make anyone I personally know feel bad. So enough with all that..just bear with me and hopefully I will snap out of this sometime in the near future :)
Now onto the recap/update:
Last week was a blast getting to spend Christmas with both mine and the hubs families. We decided to do sort of a destination Christmas (i.e. no one actually lived in the area that Christmas was spent). On the Sunday before Christmas we headed to San Antonio and after many plane delays for my folks all were together by 3:30am on Monday morning. It was a ton of fun getting to catch up, relax, run outside (I never though I would be so happy for that), eat and eat and eat, and shop of course. We got to check out some of the local favorites and I totally fell in love with the Alamo Café which featured homemade fresh tortillas..yum! We also got to enjoy a fabulous dinner at Fogo de Chao and now I have met my meat quota for the month :)
We stayed on base in two different "houses" and most of the time was spent in the main one where both sets of parents and my sis were staying. It had a full kitchen so we were able to eat in a few times. It was really nice because it felt like a home and we were able to do a normal Christmas complete with all the yummy food we usually make. Since we were actually flying back on Christmas day we celebrated two days before. It was so much fun but it totally threw me off because I thought that everyone had already celebrated and when we went over to a friends house on Christmas eve I was totally confused as to why they still have wrapped presents under the tree (yes I did figure it out quickly). All I have to say is celebrating Jesus' birth along with family, friends and yummy food..well what more could you ask for?!
Now I will get into the not so fun part. I think I have mentioned before but I have been working in a temp job for the past three months. When I first took the job I was told that it was going to be a three month assignment ending at the end of December. Once I got into the job I saw how much work needed to be done and there had been some talk about extending my assignment. At first I was totally excited but the more I have worked (and I love the job so it's not that) the more I realize that I don't like working full time. The hubs is always home way before me, I haven't cooked in like forever and my weekend involves getting as much housework done as I can before the work week starts again. I do realize that I am blessed to have this job and the extra money has been nice. However, with the upcoming fertility stuff I decided that I wasn't going to extend. After talking it over with my boss she convinced me to keep working part-time (20 hours) and see how that goes. It is a lot to train a new person on so I totally understand where she is coming from. I was a little hesitant but I figure since I already had the surgery all planned out and kind of knew what was coming up with the fertility, well that it might work out really well. The week before I left for Christmas was my last "full" work week and this weeks started my new schedule. It’s a trial thing on both ends and if it doesn't work out then that is fine too. All this to say, when we left for San Antonio I was feeling pretty good about everything.
That was until on Tuesday when I received a call from Dr. Female's office (my new fertility doc) saying that she has gone out on emergency medical leave and won't be back for at least 30 days. She is the only one in the practice who does the fertility stuff and they couldn't guarantee when she will be back. The nurse was really nice and said that as far as the surgery there were a couple other doctors who could do it and although they aren't specialists they have performed the surgery before. They set me up with a consultation for one of the Doctors and said that he has done the surgery many of times and has also checked tubes for blockage before (which was something they are going to do during the surgery). They want me to meet with him on Tuesday the 4th and then if I am okay with him doing it and he is able to it will still be done on Friday the 7th. However, it might have to be moved back a week or two depending on his schedule. I feel like I have been waiting for so long to start again and I didn't want to have to wait another month or more for my doctor to get back. I barley held it together on the phone and once I hung up I started bawling. I don't even know why but this set back just hit me really hard. I also started freaking out about work and the potential of having to change everything up. Even if I get the surgery done by this doctor, if mine doesn't come back in the 30 days I am going to have to find another doctor and start all over again (I am hoping to only have the surgery once). I have since talked to my work (when I got back I was ready to quit for good) but they said that they would be very flexible and it didn't matter how much I need to change my schedule as long as I got my hours in.
I am really trying to trust God with all of this but it is getting so difficult to hope the more impossible getting pregnant seems to become. I am just feeling very discouraged and honestly don't understand why it's not happening. To make matters worse I think I am going to swear off all forms of electronic communication because pregnancy announcements seem to becoming a daily trend (I'm not really going to but it is tempting). It goes back to the whole thing of being really happy for the couple(s) but is getting more and more painful to hear about. I am praying daily for God to take away my bitterness and to give me only pure joy for all my friends who are being blessed in this area.
So yeah, right now I am feeling very down and confused and broken. I am not doubting God and His power but I am having a hard time accepting his timetable. I think deep down inside I have this horrible fear that it's never going to happen and I'm just not ready to accept that yet. The hubs has been amazing because I know that this is so hard for him too. Every time he would ask me what I want for Christmas I would say a baby but I realize that isn't fair to him because he wants it just as bad as I do. We have started praying at night together about it and I know that as long as we are seeking God he will do what is best for us.
Anyways sorry for the long and kind of depressing post. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas!