Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Loving the Now...The struggle to be content where you are at the current moment

Contentment….the age old struggle or so they say! There are many many ways that I struggle with being content in my day to day life but for this post I am going to focus on one of my biggest struggles at the moment..being happy in my current location. By this I truly do mean my current physical location. You see, as a military family we move around a lot and it is exciting but it an also be extremely draining both physically and emotionally. As I have struggled A LOT with this recent move and where God as planted us right now I have begun to realize a pattern that needs to stop for the sake of my sanity and my families well being. I realize that I have a huge tendency to romanticize the past and future which greatly impacts how I am living in the present. Now before I lose you let me paint you a picture…

We have been in our current location for about a year, I am finally feeling connected and enjoy it but am hit with the moving bug. I start constantly asking my husband “where do you think we will go next” or “In our next house we must have this” or “Next time we have to live on base” ..etc. There is nothing wrong with any of this perse, yet it puts my mind into a discontent mode. No longer am I seeking out how to make my current situation better, what activities I can get involved in or things I can change around our current house, instead I am dreaming of “what’s next” and putting all my hopes and dreams into the next assignment. The most damaging part of this thought pattern is that it usually happens when we still have 2 plus years at our current location. During the next two or so years I still make friends, find different activities to get involved in and have many moments of truly enjoying where we are but my heart is still focused on “what’s next’. As time draws near to the next move and I anxiously await our orders. If you are a military family you know what a time of torture this can be!! Once we get our orders no matter how good or bad they seem it is now time for planning mode. The prep work starts as we search for a new house, figure out what to do with our present one, attend farewells and say goodbye to friends, figure out if we are going to do a full DITY or a partial, and basically be hit hard with the fact that after all this time of wishing we could leave we are not ready to go! We realize how much we are going to miss our house and our friends and the area. No longer do we say we can’t wait to move, or watch all of our other friends move and be jealous, now we are moving and we are sad. “There will never be another place like this” we say; “I will never have such good friends again” or “I love this area so much, how am I going to leave it”. Yes, the same area we were just complaining about for the last 3 years is now our favorite place on this earth and we will never truly be happy anywhere else! However, we don't get to dwell on this a ton because there is so much to do and a long move ahead. 

Once we survive the move (not an easy feat with little ones in tow) then we are thrown into moving into a new house (or still securing one) and figuring out what new furnishings are needed and how to unpack the millions of boxes with said little ones still around! FYI, I know most bases offer a number of free hours at the CDC when you are PCSing and I recommend using them…I really need to take my own advise :) The first part of a new move can be exciting…finding our new go-to places and discovering what our neighborhood has to offer but it can also be daunting feeling like you want to be settled asap and know it is going to be months before that happens. 

This last move (the one that I am still in the midst of) has been the worst because it was following a year deployment that involved me living with my parents, having our second child and not having a true “home” or any of our stuff for a year! I seriously don’t understand the moves packing methods and I am still trying to find random essentials without having to unearth every single box in the house. 

Then about a month or two into the move, when the house is semi in order, school age kids are in school (depending on the time of the move) you are hit with the fact that it will be summer soon and you still have no friends and feel like a deer stuck in the headlights as to how to go make some! No matter how many moves you make I truly think this will always be a struggle in some sense. You might find quicker ways of making friends or be forced to jump into things right away (gasp without your house unpacked) but you will still always battle the struggle of being the new person and feeling like an outsider. 

This move for us is not in the normal move cycle we are used to and therefore we are one of the few new people right now. It is during school and everyone already has their routines and honestly I have been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately. I know better this time than last how to get connected but for some reason I can’t actually get my lazy butt in gear and make the first step and that is ridiculous! Half the time I don’t care because I am so crazy still trying to get everything settled and still getting used to being a family of four all together but the other half I am the deer and I just can’t make myself move forward. Instead I start romanticizing the past, how much I loved our last assignment and how much I miss my friends and how this summer is going to be horrible because there is no pool like we had in Utah and I have no friends. 

Now these thoughts aren’t bad on their own, it is good and healthy to miss friends and where you came from but when you allow them to consume your “now” and use them as an excuse not to move forward, to make friends, and love the “now” then something has to change! Believe me, this is where I am and it is hard!! This assignment I thought I would have a head start since we were moving to a location where we have lots of family and both the hubs and I went to college here and still have some friends living here. That is all good and it has kept us busy so far but it has also made it very clear to me the importance of making fellow military friends. No one can understand what you are going through or give you advice on the good doctors on base or the best ER to go to than those living this life too! Every type of friendship is important but after living a year basically removed from military life the need for those type of friends is even more clear right now! 

So why am I writing about all of this?? I think partly to encourage those in any of the stages just talked about to know that they are not alone and can change current situation by redirecting their thought pattern. My challenge to myself and anyone else struggling with this now or maybe in the future is daily remind myself to live and enjoy the “now”. I will still miss friends and locations but instead of dwelling on it, recognize it and then move on. Maybe even use it as a reminder to send that email or text to a group or friend you have been putting off. To enjoy my kids and all the mess that comes with it and schedule designated times when they are with family or in preschool or at the CDC to do the hard core unpacking that needs to be done (believe me we are all better this way)! But also give myself grace…what I am remembering is the end of a 3 and a half year assignment not the beginning. I am forgetting all the hard stuff and courage it took to step out an make friends at my last assignment and being lazy by not wanting to do it again. So instead of beating myself up, I will remind myself that it takes time and it is worth any effort I have to put forth. 

I am in no way an expert of any of this military spouse stuff..all I can do is share my experiences and lessons learned and continued to learn and hope that others can relate and maybe even find some encouragement in it. 

And since I haven't posted in forever...Here are some pictures from our "now"..

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Life lately

If you are reading this I give you major thanks and props because that is a true follower :) I am going to try and recap what all has been going on for us in the last year, I seriously can't believe it has been almost a year since I have blogged!! Life has been one roller coaster ride after another and my little space on the big WWW has gotten so neglected. I have really been starting to feel like I am losing myself in all the chaos and have decided that I need an outlet just for me (besides shopping). As I type this both kids are down for a nap and this is my first attempt at a crib nap with Harper so if all goes well I will be able to have some "me" time and get back into writing. Now I know I am getting ahead of myself since I am pretty sure my last post was about just finding out we were pregnant so let me back up a bit and start some recap...

When we found out that I was pregnant we knew there was a possibility of a year deployment for the hubs that coming summer but I didn't really think it would actually happen, I mean doesn't the arrival of a second child grant the father a pass from any type of deployment (I guess I should have learned my lesson from when the Hubs deployed for 6 months right after Hudson was born). Once the Hubs got it in the my thick head that it was still a very real possibility I decided it was okay since he would leave in June and the baby was due in April so he wouldn't miss anything. We then decided that if it was to happen we would move to California to live with my parents for the year since we would be moving from Utah right when he got back and that would allow us to save money and have extra help. So all that to say I was prepared for this possible deployment as much as a pregnant spouse can be. What I wasn't prepared for was getting orders in late october that had him officially reporting to Korea for a year remote in February! Did I mention the baby was due in April?? After many freak out moments and realizing that we only had 3 months to get someone to rent our house, figure out the new living arrangements and life in Cali and trying to pack everything we needed for the year while being in Hawaii for 3 weeks in December (planned way before all this) I had no choice but to be okay with this and move on. I was actually in pretty good spirits at first and excited to get to spend some time with family and friends here in Bako.

We had a blast in Hawaii but dealt with some terrible two's moments with Huds as he seemed to being in a throwing phase and would pick up glasses at restaurants and throw them on the ground breaking them. Many times I just tried to pretend I didn't know him :) Once we got back though it was a mad race to get everything done. We got the house packed out about a week before we left utah and so we stayed in a town place suites for the last bit. I ended up getting the stomach flu while we were there and I can't say enough how horrible stomach flus while pregnant are (and i had two during this pregnancy)! The Hubs came with us to bako and we enrolled Hudson in preschool and got all the Dr stuff set up for me. My parents we also very nice to watch Hudson over night so we could have some last alone time before he left. Right before Josh left for Korea we found out that most likely he would be able to come back for the baby's birth and I was so excited! Oh and I forgot to mention that while still in Utah we found out we were having a girl :)

I have to say the two months from when Josh left and the baby was born was one of the hardest and most stressful times I have experienced! I never really thought that this type of move and deployment would be so hard on Hudson but the poor guy had some really rough times and continues to have them so if you think about it please pray for him, he misses his daddy but doesn't understand totally where he is or how to appropriately express his emotions. We also dealt with a lot of sickness at this time due to Hudson starting preschool and had our first experience with Hand Foot and Mouth..not fun :( A little advise to any military spouses who might go through this at some time...make sure you get the insurance and doctor stuff set up right away because when they are sick and you can't get into the doctor it is horrible. After a 4 hour round trip drive to Edwards AFB to switch insurances (all while trying to get Hudson to keep a bucket in his lap incase he threw up) and two urgent care visits we luckily had it figured out.

The baby's due date was April 13th so Josh arrived a few days before with the plan for me to be induced on the 11th. We were so happy to have him with us even if it was only for a week.

Harper Grace was born on April 12th weighing 6 lbs 12 ozs and her birth story deserves a separate post which will hopefully come soon!

We had a great week with Josh and kind of adjusting to a family of 4. My SIL also came out and it was so much fun to have her out here! Harper as been a true joy but if I am completely honest it has been a hard adjustment for me to go from having one child to two and back to infant mode. She is a lot different than her brother but just as active which threw me off since I kept thinking I could do the same things I did with Hudson and they would work. Not so much but now that she is 4 months old I feel like we are starting to get in our grove and I have started figuring her out more :) Hudson still isn't a huge fan of hers and likes to Roar in her face which causes her to cry or hit her or drop things on her face...we are working on all of that right now :) The one thing he loves though is bath time with his sister. A few weeks ago when my parents were out of town I decided to try to bathe them together and ever since then Hudson always asks for her to join him in the cute! I think that he will be an amazing big brother, there are just a few things to work through and once she can hit back he better watch out!

There is more that I want to recap, like our trip to Korea to visit the Hubs and our latest trip to Vegas by myself with the kids but I don't want to make this too long so I will save those for a different post. So here we are...6 months down, 6 months to go with a almost 3 year old and a 4 month old. Life is never boring and many days I want to pull out my hair (which hudson and harper usually do for me) or go hide in a corner but every day gets better and I wouldn't give it up for anything! We miss Josh more than I can even express and dream of what it will be like to be a complete family of 4 in our own home but it really makes us appreciate all that God has blessed us with :) Recently our car was involved in a hit and run and I posted about it on Instagram and FB with a comment saying I think that God things I can handle more than I can handle. A friend pointed out that sometimes God gives us more than we can handle so we turn to him. I really feel that is what we are going through right now...things haven't gone the way I planned and I kept trying to fix them on my own when only God can fix them. He is working on me hard core right now and as much as it hurts it also heals and makes each day seem easier and better because I am relying on Him and not just myself. If we get nothing else from this deployment that alone is worth it!

Stay tuned for more about our crazy that and hopefully I will get it all written before we head out on a two month road trip..Yikes! I will post pictures soon I just have to get them linked to my computer.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

23 Months

Since my baby is going to be 2 in less than a month (2 people, where did the time go?!) I thought it might be fun to actually do an update on the little monster, I mean little guy (though monster fits him a lot of the a loving way of course).

Huds is such a fun little kid and although a lot of the time I feel like putting him in a permanent time out or worse I wouldn't give up any of this time with him. And when I get one of the coveted Hudson hugs all challenging things leave my memory (both Josh and I agree there is nothing better than a Hudson hug). As I have thought back over the last two years I have realized that he was a very easy baby but has become a very challenging little boy.

This little adorable guy has more energy than I could ever explain to anyone that has not met him. My mom (who had three kids in the span of 3.5 years) has said numerous times that he has more energy than My brother, sister and myself combined when we were that age..yikes! Yes it can be a challenge (like today when I got to chase him around REI and pick up all the stuff he was kindly re-arranging on the shelves) but it can also be a lot of fun. For the most part he is a really happy kid and fairly easy going with our constant on-the-go schedule (I can't stand to be home all day). I figured it would be easiest to do bullet points for his likes and dislikes so here it goes:

Hudson's Likes:

- TV (he is constantly asking to watch PBS kids and whenever we go anywhere and he sees a TV he starts getting all excited and will do anything to get to it. It has become a joke at the nursery at church and bible study because he is "the Kid who always wants to watch TV". It is mostly my fault since we have it on a lot at home and I let him watch the DVD player in the car).

- Climbing on the back of the couch, he has had many time-outs for this but it doesn't seem to matter to him.

- Kitchen utensils, He has a whole toy corner in the living room but all he plays with are random kitchen utensils most of the time.

- The vacuum, he begs me almost every day to vacuum and then he loves to get out the swiffer and broom and pretend to clean the cute.

- The Charles (our dog) although Charlie still isn't sure if he likes Hudson that much. Hudson calls him "he" but if he sees me give the dog attention he starts to freak out (a new baby is going to be interesting).

- People, Huds is not shy at all and loves to tell everyone he see's "hi" and "bye" and many other things no one can understand. He also doesn't like anyone to be left out and every time the Hubs takes him and the dog outside he won't leave until I come with them. He says "come, come" and does the cutest hand motion. Die :)

- Outside, he loves loves being outdoors which I totally didn't mind while it was warm but am quickly realizing that this is not going to be fun in the cold.

- Dancing and jumping, Hudson loves music and loves to dance and it is so cute. He also loves to jump around anywhere, on the ground or the couch or wherever he can.

- Playing with Dad, They are so cute together and it warms my heart to see them play together.

- Showers, recently hudson threw up as soon as he got in the bath so we quickly decided that Josh would give him a shower since he took the majority of what came out of huds mouth and ever since then Hudson begs us to take a shower.

- Talking, Hudson "talks" all the time. Although he is still mostly on one word phrases he is constantly saying something and it is starting to become easier to understand. He knows a lot of body parts and loves to point out feet or shoes. He also knows mom and dad and whenever I am folding laundry he loves pointing out all of dad's clothes. He can count to 3 pretty easily and is getting closer to counting more. He is also getting pretty good at animal sounds and can do the cutes monkey moves.

- Books, Hudson loves reading and if I allow it we can sit for what feels like forever a read one book after the next. He also loves reading to himself which is so adorable.

- Milk, which is all that he survives on. He loves milk and we go through at least 2 gallons of whole milk a week.

- Banging things with whatever he can get his hands on...future drummer?

- Running, he runs everywhere and is really quick.

Hudson's Dislikes:

- Food, this kid is seriously the pickiest eater I have ever met. Like I said earlier he mostly survives off of milk and will sometimes drink pediasure or smoothies but those are rare. Most of the time he wont let anything into his mouth and if you try and trick him he will start to "choke" and then proceed to throw up. He will eat annies fruit snacks, donuts and cookies and he loves mike and ikes but I am really trying to limit his sugar so yeah he mostly eats fruit snacks and yogurt and milk. He is an average weight and height though so the doctor isn't worried and I have pretty much given up worrying about it.

- Being told what to do, we have a VERY stubborn kid on our hands.

- Being confined, he is not one to sit still and if you try and get him to stay in one area it is not pleasant on anyone.

- time-outs, we have recently been trying to be good about starting to discipline and since Hudson likes to be in the center of everything we have found that time-out's seem to have the best effect. I think he has started the "terrible two's" early so this has been an almost daily thing for us lately.

- Shopping, he is usually pretty good for a little bit was gone is the supper good shopper that he was as a baby :(

Overall he is a really good kid and we love him to pieces. He warms my heart everyday and I am so glad that I am his Mommy! I can't believe he is getting so big!

Monday, September 23, 2013

God's Perfect Timing leads to HUGE surprises sometimes!

When I am faced with difficult situations I often find myself doubting God's timing and plan for my life. I know that HIs ways are better than mine, In my heart I really do, but for some reason my head/rational thinks that I know best and quickly goes into Fix it mode. A lot of times I don't even realize it or when I do I don't try to change my path... it is something I have been working on but as an imperfect human it is a long work in progress. There are those times though where I decide that my human ways aren't working and that I need to trust God and His plan (which I should have done in the first place). And there are those times where God decides to show up big and show me why I need to trust Him and His plans. He gently shows me that He has my and my families best interest at heart and that if I wait on Him and find comfort in Him it would save me so many tears and heartache. Do I learn? Usually no unfortunately. Does he still show up, comfort me and carry out His will for my life? YES!! And boy am I glad :)

The funny thing is that with babies we really don't have any control. No matter what we do or try to fix, ultimately God is the maker of life and it is He who decides when to bless us with these miracles. Yes, there are plenty of medical interventions that can help people achieve the goal of having a baby but I truly believe that no matter what we try and do medically God is still making the final decision and is still in control. I also believe that there are many times that God uses modern medicine in the process. The biggest thing that I have had to learn though is that just because He uses it for some people it doesn't mean that is what He will for my life. Again, I am a fix-it person who wants results asap and so this has been really hard for me to learn.

If anyone is still reading my blog and has read my others posts, it is no secret that the Hubs and I have struggled with infertility for a long time. It took us three years to get pregnant with Hudson and through that process we did many fertility treatments and surgery only to get pregnant on our own. Yay God! When Hudson was 10 months old we decided to start trying again since we knew it would take a while and we didn't want a huge age gap. Over the next few months we did more treatments and were ultimately told that we would have to do IVF to get pregnant. This was devastating new for me, I don't think there is anything wrong with doing IVF, but I couldn't ignore the fact that in my heart I knew that God was telling me that was not what he had for us and to wait on Him. After we found out the news the first thing my Hubs said was that if we ever were to get pregnant again how much greater would the testimony of God's power be. I totally agreed but was still heartbroken because I doubted God and took that news to mean we would never get pregnant again.

Many times throughout this last year I have gone back and forth on doing IVF but each time I have felt God tell us to stop. I have been pretty much laughed at when I would try to quiz the doctor on other options and finally just gave up. This summer my Endometriosis started flaring up and so I scheduled surgery for the beginning of September. I secretly hoped that after the surgery I would get pregnant (which is what had happened with Hudson).

A few weeks before the surgery God decided to rock our world and prove HIs power. After feeling a little off i decided to take a pregnancy test, I can't even tell you how many I have taken in the last year so this was not unusual, but this time it was positive! I was in shock! I had all these cute ideas of how I was going to tell the Hubs and they all went out the window as ran upstairs to show him the test ;) The next few weeks were full of emotion as I got my blood work and waited to see the doctor. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it was to hear the strong heartbeat of this second miracle baby. All I can say is that God is Good!! This has been a crazy emotional year but God knows what He is doing and I am so glad that He is in control!

I am 11 weeks right now and am starting to feel better :) I look forward to doing update posts and I have a few other posts in the works so maybe I will actually be showing my face around here more :)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Thriving in the unknown

Right now God is teaching me to live and THRIVE while most of the pieces in my life remain unknown to me. A week ago I had no idea where we would be living next year, if we would be making the mad rush to try and rent or sell our house, IF we would ever have another child, IF I would ever be happy with myself (no matter how much I weighed or what clothes I had) and what God really wanted from me. I was so focused on myself that I had unknowingly left God out of the picture. I felt at may times like my world was going to crash down around me and the only way I could stop it was to try and control things (like our possible move or my weight or trying to figure out how to get money for IVF). The funny thing is though the more I tried to control things the more everything felt out of control. We still didn't know if we were moving, due to fertility meds and who knows what else my morning weigh session was a cry fest every day and even though I tried to budget I kept going over. Also, every time I felt I was OKAY with not getting pregnant someone would announce a pregnancy and I would wither really doesn't seem like it was that long ago I had to deal with this before Hudson and it's amazing how quickly all those emotions can come back and hit with a vengeance.

Then we took a trip to Vegas...

And you know what, it was life-changing. I know that sounds funny but I was taken away from the scale, from wondering if the hubs was going to get an e-mail telling our future for next year, and realizing that sometimes having just one child to chase around the casino's and restaurants is enough for now :) I gained what had been lost..perspective.

I think I was in a mind-set of "now or never" with life and it doesn't have to be that way. I got some quality time with my family (who met us there) and some good running times with the Hubs, which was long overdue since I hadn't ran since Christmas. I finally realized that no matter what, GOD is in control and I am NOT! He has a plan and it is my job to submit to that EVERY DAY.

The transforming part really didn't happen until I got home. After eating way too much the whole week I was dreading getting on the scale, not to mention on was on some fertility meds that I know have a history of making me gain weight. So what did I do..not weigh. And it was freeing! I had done a nutritional cleansing program when Hudson was 6 months old and had gained so much energy and health from it but had fallen off the wagon, so the Hubs and I decided to start it again together. I also decided to start working on a small business with the program and after many days of research was convicted that I needed to readjust my way of looking at food, not as the enemy but as fuel. I also decided to re-vamp the way we eat and make it as clean as possible since many of the things we eat are processed and contain GMO's which have been linked to infertility. We also learned we had another year before we moved so I could chill on that part :)

I now feel like so many weights have been lifted off me! Instead of worrying about the scale I am now focusing on nutrition and getting us as healthy as possible. Instead of vaguely wondering what God has for me I am making sure to approach him everyday and give that day to him (and on the days I forget I am quickly reminded how my former ways that I don't want to return to). Before we left I was depressed and angry and confused and I am at peace. All I have to say is we serve an amazing GOD who wants nothing but the best for us even when we don't understand or know what that is.

He is teaching me to THRIVE in the unknown and not WITHER. I am so blessed with what he has given me and even if we are never rich or only have one child or I weigh more than I did when I was 20, God has given us an abundant life and I am going to enjoy every bit of it.

Monday, January 7, 2013

What's Been Happening...

(Pre-warning the first half was written before christmas but I never had a chance to finish it and I don't feel like going back and editing it to be present day so hopefully it isn't too confusing)

Well folks it happened again..I fell off the blogging bandwagon :( As many of you know often times life gets in the way, good or bad, and well the blog gets pushed to the side. We have had a very busy couple of months (that I have been dying to write about) and often times I have to choose to blog or spend time with the Huds or just have a few moments of sanity. Apparently I never choose blogging :) On the good side though starting in January my schedule will be a lot more flexible and although Hudson has been extremely clingy, I am hoping to be disiplined enough to use at least one nap time a week to focus on my blog. With all that said I haven't stopped reading everyone else's blogs and I love getting to stay kind of connected; rejoicing in the good news and crying in the bad. On the crying note…I seem to not be able to stop lately! It is actually kind of annoying..a cute commercial, watching Grey's last night, a secret santa giveaway story on the radio on my way to work, and of course the latest horrific news of the children and adults lost in the CT shooting. So if you know me IRL I appologize right now because I never know what is going to start the next crying fest!

The hard part about waiting so long to update is that there is so much I don't know where to start! Since there is a lot of content to cover I am going to share first what has been biggest/hardest/whatever you want to call it stuff that has been the forfront of my world right now (besides my amazing son and hubs oh and charles), the B word. Yup the talk of a second baby. Now don’t get too excited, I'm not pregnant. But I do feel this is a story that I have to start from a few months ago and go in order so here it goes…

As many of you who have been reading my blog know (if there are any left reading) it took the Hubs and I about 3 years and many fertility treatments later to get pregnant with our adorable Hudson almost naturally (I will never say God doesn’t have a sense of Humor or can't work Miracles but I am getting a head of myself). When Hudson was two months old the Hubs left for a 6 month deployment (Jan 2012). During that time the thought of another baby while doing the single parent thing was the farthest thing from my mind, not to mention since the Hubs was gone it was pretty much impossible. Selfishly I had lost the baby weight plus the extra 10 pounds I had gained to help get pregnant and I was enjoying having my body back to myself (Hudson had decided on his own that he was done nursing at 5.5 months). I also wanted to enjoy the time as a family of 3 when the Hubs got back from his deployment. We really hadn't had a chance to get used to our bigger family before he left so there was an adjustment period as well as me learning how to let go of certain ways of doing things (it's hard to adjust to co-parenting after being a single parent for the majority of your 9 month old's life). However, the Hubs really makes it easy for me to adjust and I was so happy to have him back and have the extra help with Hudson that I don't think I really even noticed the transition that much. Although it is hard to go that long without seeing him we got spoiled when he returned and had about a month with just him before he had to go back to work.

Now is where I might start with the TMI on female issues so If you don't want to hear it you can stop reading…

Consider yourself farily warned..

Even though I had stopped nursing Hudson when he was around 5 1/2 months my period didn't return. I wasn't surprised since it had completely stopped when I was 19 and only returns as a result of medication. I had breifly thought though that maybe the pregnancy would have fixed some things..I guess not. I really really don't mind not having a period when we aren't trying to get pregnant but when we are it is the most discouraging and frustrating thing! A few weeks before Josh got back I started cramping a lot and having a lot of lower back pain, so bad that it would wake and keep me up at night (and for those of you who have little ones you know how much you covet your sleep). I knew that things would be busy with Josh returning and all the activities we had planned at home and away. I was also training for the San Fran 1/2 marathon so I thought it might be related and didn't really feel like finding someone to watch hudson while I went to go get check out so I put it off. In the meantime Josh returned from his deployment, we had a wonderful time in San Fran and the 1/2 was so much fun. We also enjoyed a lot of quality family of three time.

In August I was having severe sinus issues and while at one of my doctors appointments I mentioned the cramping and pain. She sent me to the OB on base who gave me some suggestions but none that I was thrilled about. From there the Hubs and I decided to go ahead and start trying for the second one earlier than we had planned. I went to the OB that had delivered Hudson and did one round of clomid which didn't work. I then went to an RE that I really like and since I was training for the AF marathon in September he wanted me to wait until after that to start anything. After the marathon I did a round of pills and shots and an IUI. I got the stomach flu the day before Hudson's big 1st birthday party (one week into the two week wait) which gave me hope that it might have worked since I hardly ever get sick like that (I blame it on daycare). However that cycle didn't work either.

The RE wanted to see us before we did anything else to discuss some new test results. I knew that was not good news and that IVF would be brought up. I have nothing against IVF but I also knew that we can't afford it right now and both Josh and I felt that God was telling us to wait on it. Just as I had thought, results from a test done before the IUI showed that without IVF our chances of getting pregnant right now are about 2%. Not good. We found out that it wasn't just me with the issues and that where mine could be helped with medication, the Hubs couldn't and that if we wanted to have a second baby IVF was really our only option. I cried a lot and we were both devastated but it also showed us what a miracle baby Hudson is. We knew when we were finally pregnant with Hudson that it was God's plan and that he was our little miracle since we had tried for so long, but until this appointment neither of us knew how true that was! Although the news was new to us the condition had been there all along. In the midst of the hurt of this news all I could think of was the God is Good and what an amazing gift he has given us with Hudson!

We decided at that point we would stop all fertility treatments and try and accept that we would only have one child (as more time passes though this is getting harder and harder to accept). And pray a lot that God would give us another miracle baby if it was His plan. I also decided to stop working so that I didn't miss anything with Hudson. I have to say that has been one of the best decisions so far! This little guy is so much fun and cracks me up everyday!

I am really hoping to get back into blogging because I miss it and it is the easiest way to document these struggles and keep friends and family in the loop. There is more to this story that I will be posting later this week but I didn't want to make this any longer for right now.

And I couldn't end without some cute pics of the Huds :)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Life update and another marathon in the books..

I have been MIA a lot lately and although I am still enjoying reading all of your all blogs I am starting to miss writing! To say there has been a lot going on would be an understatement so I am only going to recap the big things with the hope of actually writing regularly so these random recaps aren't necessary :) I think the hardest part of not writing for a while is knowing where to begin so these probably won't be in order:

- Hudson is now 10.5ish months and I can't believe he is so close to a year! He doesn't even look like a baby anymore :) He pulls himself up on everything and can stand on his own for about 5-10 seconds before he sits down. He has totally started cruising on furniture and I know walking is just on the horizon. I know everyone says that life gets even more crazy then but he is so active already and is a super fast crawler that I can't really see it getting any worse (I guess you will have to ask me in a few months)! He is such a fun little guy though and is always smiling. He is not shy at all and loves to "talk". It cracks me up that whenever he sees his reflection he says hi :)
He recently learned how to climb the stairs so no place is safe anymore (we do have baby gates but they don't fit and we haven't had time to exchange them).
- the hubs is back from his deployment and it is so amazing to have him back! He did, however, start a new job on base so we never see him and i still feel like a single parent 75% of the time but at least he is home :)
- I started working part time (20 hours a week) which we are starting to get the hang of. Huds goes to a home based daycare 2.5 days a week and I think he enjoys being around other kids. I am enjoying working some And am very grateful to have this opportunity that doesn't take me out of the house and away from my baby all week :) the first week was tough but the second week went better which gives me hope :)
- back in January the hubs and I signed up to run the AF marathon (my second full marathon) and decided to make a big trip out of it since his family lives in the area the race was. Due to the hubs being deployed for most of the training time and trying to train with a baby we really fell behind. I was really nervous but the hubs kept telling me that we would just have fun, that it would be a good time just the two of us for 4-5 hours. That was great until he came home a few weeks before and said due to work stuff he isn't able to get the time off and I would have to go by myself. Both of us were not happy but i made myself get over it (or at least seemed like I was) and this weekend Hudson and I headed to Ohio and although I had only trained up to 12-13 miles I made it through the marathon and the plane rides with a 10 month active boy and don't want to have to do it again :) I am planning on posting a longer race recap so get ready for that!

Well although there is so much more I can talk about I am going to save that for another time :) I'm not sure if anyone checks this anymore but I thank you if you do and please know that I have been loving reading your blogs!