Warning: There is some serious venting going on here…
Do you ever wonder why you can go through the same experience numerous times and still not learn? I am having one of those moments the last few weeks (it’s been a long moment)! I wouldn’t say that I haven’t learned anything from my past but I am a slow learner with a thick head of hair to get through and therefore I often times forget the previously learned lessons in the heat of the moment :)
Here’s the deal..
We have been living in NJ for over three years now (well I was a year behind the hubs so over two years for me) and I have yet to truly follow through on something I have committed to or started. Growing up had this intense fear of being left out or disappointing people which caused me to stick with many things that I hated or wanted to get out of. The problem with that was that I was making decisions based on what I felt others thought I should do and not what I had a passion for or felt called to. Somewhere in my late teens, early twenties I decided I had enough and took on a whole new approach which involved making decision based on what I felt called to do..however since I hadn’t been tuned into my own passions for several years I really had no idea what exactly I wanted to do!
I stepped back and really started to evaluate what it was that I enjoyed ..which honestly is a lot of different little things so that didn’t help too much :) However, I was single with not a lot of friends, living at home so I started jumping into different things, getting involved in different groups and making a lot of new friends. I was finally at a point where I felt I was doing was I was suppose to be doing at that point in my life. God was using me in ways I hadn’t really thought of and I was enjoying life!
Then life dynamics changed! I moved to Ohio to finish college, met the hubs, got married and then moved to NJ. I had been so focused on finishing up college and getting married that I didn’t really have to think about what I would do after…I would be a wife right?! When I got to NJ I didn’t work right away, in an effort to get acquainted with NJ, Military and Married life. However, although it was a joy to have such a lax schedule after being so busy for so many years..I soon became bored.
I think that problem started with the fact that I didn’t absolutely have to work (although the extra income defiantly helped) and I as trying to build a new life the way I had when I was single..which didn’t really work! I now had to consider someone else in the decisions that I made with my time and since the Hubs schedule was so sporadic for the first year I wanted to be free to spend time with him when I could. To make matters more complicated, the Hubs was deployed for a few months that first year so I jumped from being married in NJ to to being married/single in Cali (while he was gone) back to being married in NJ. I honestly didn’t know how to go about finding a job I liked, getting to spend time with the Hubs and making those Oh so need girlfriends all while in a totally new state!
These last few years have been filled with finding jobs, friends, church groups, getting really excited, jumping headfirst into getting involved and then realizing I am in way over my head feeling totally overwhelmed and making the Hubs and myself miserable. So then I bail…
I quit my job, don’t really make an effort to keep in touch with the few people I have found out here, back-out of different commitments and become a strictly sunday church goer. The sudden freedom and time with the hubs is nice. I love the flexibility for a while.
Then I get the Urge..
It can stem from many different things..seeing others succeeding in their jobs, seeing those commitments I backed out of continue to move on, realizing that extra income is needed, wishing that I had friends and feeling like a loser for not having anything to do when the Hubs is gone on a trip. Whatever it is I get this sudden urge to go get involved in anything and everything so that I too can feel successful and accomplished! However, the vicious cycle will return..I will feel overcommitted and totally cut myself off again just when things are starting to turn around…maybe i’m afraid of failure (who knows?)!
The point of all of this venting is that I am having a hard time finding balance in my life! I don’t know how to make friends, be free to spend time with the hubs and do the wifey stuff and have a job that I feel productive in all while knowing that we will only be in one location for a few years at a time! Sometimes I just want to say “Why bother?”! But I know that God has a plan for me here in NJ and it is not to sit on my butt waiting to move to the next place.
I thought I was doing a lot better. I got a substitute teaching job that allows for totally flexibility so that is one less thing to worry about (except that fact that school starts next week and I am totally freaking out!). I have started to make more of an effort to hang out with the one friend that I do have here..which has been a blast! I guess I saw the old tendencies arise last week when I attended the kick-off event for the Officers Spouses Club on base. I really want to get involved and feel more connected, especially since I live on base now so I basically found myself signing up for 5 out of the 7 groups to be involved in!
Right now since I have had a very relaxed summer and am ready to be busy again I am totally gung-ho about getting involved, working and making friends! I am just so afraid as things start to pick up that I will start to freak out again and then bail…seriously it is like an addiction..once you bail out of something early it is so hard stop doing that! I really want this time to be different! I want to stay committed to the things that I have signed on for! I have noticed that I have been better about not following through on all my gut reactions to volunteer myself for things I know I haven’t been good at in the past.
I just want to make this year different and I am scared of not being able to break the cycle!
Sorry about the long post..I just had to vent a little!
Am I the only one who feels this way? Do you guys ever go through things like this?