When I am faced with difficult situations I often find myself doubting God's timing and plan for my life. I know that HIs ways are better than mine, In my heart I really do, but for some reason my head/rational thinks that I know best and quickly goes into Fix it mode. A lot of times I don't even realize it or when I do I don't try to change my path... it is something I have been working on but as an imperfect human it is a long work in progress. There are those times though where I decide that my human ways aren't working and that I need to trust God and His plan (which I should have done in the first place). And there are those times where God decides to show up big and show me why I need to trust Him and His plans. He gently shows me that He has my and my families best interest at heart and that if I wait on Him and find comfort in Him it would save me so many tears and heartache. Do I learn? Usually no unfortunately. Does he still show up, comfort me and carry out His will for my life? YES!! And boy am I glad :)
The funny thing is that with babies we really don't have any control. No matter what we do or try to fix, ultimately God is the maker of life and it is He who decides when to bless us with these miracles. Yes, there are plenty of medical interventions that can help people achieve the goal of having a baby but I truly believe that no matter what we try and do medically God is still making the final decision and is still in control. I also believe that there are many times that God uses modern medicine in the process. The biggest thing that I have had to learn though is that just because He uses it for some people it doesn't mean that is what He will for my life. Again, I am a fix-it person who wants results asap and so this has been really hard for me to learn.
If anyone is still reading my blog and has read my others posts, it is no secret that the Hubs and I have struggled with infertility for a long time. It took us three years to get pregnant with Hudson and through that process we did many fertility treatments and surgery only to get pregnant on our own. Yay God! When Hudson was 10 months old we decided to start trying again since we knew it would take a while and we didn't want a huge age gap. Over the next few months we did more treatments and were ultimately told that we would have to do IVF to get pregnant. This was devastating new for me, I don't think there is anything wrong with doing IVF, but I couldn't ignore the fact that in my heart I knew that God was telling me that was not what he had for us and to wait on Him. After we found out the news the first thing my Hubs said was that if we ever were to get pregnant again how much greater would the testimony of God's power be. I totally agreed but was still heartbroken because I doubted God and took that news to mean we would never get pregnant again.
Many times throughout this last year I have gone back and forth on doing IVF but each time I have felt God tell us to stop. I have been pretty much laughed at when I would try to quiz the doctor on other options and finally just gave up. This summer my Endometriosis started flaring up and so I scheduled surgery for the beginning of September. I secretly hoped that after the surgery I would get pregnant (which is what had happened with Hudson).
A few weeks before the surgery God decided to rock our world and prove HIs power. After feeling a little off i decided to take a pregnancy test, I can't even tell you how many I have taken in the last year so this was not unusual, but this time it was positive! I was in shock! I had all these cute ideas of how I was going to tell the Hubs and they all went out the window as ran upstairs to show him the test ;) The next few weeks were full of emotion as I got my blood work and waited to see the doctor. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it was to hear the strong heartbeat of this second miracle baby. All I can say is that God is Good!! This has been a crazy emotional year but God knows what He is doing and I am so glad that He is in control!
I am 11 weeks right now and am starting to feel better :) I look forward to doing update posts and I have a few other posts in the works so maybe I will actually be showing my face around here more :)
dear camden jane.
1 hour ago