Right now God is teaching me to live and THRIVE while most of the pieces in my life remain unknown to me. A week ago I had no idea where we would be living next year, if we would be making the mad rush to try and rent or sell our house, IF we would ever have another child, IF I would ever be happy with myself (no matter how much I weighed or what clothes I had) and what God really wanted from me. I was so focused on myself that I had unknowingly left God out of the picture. I felt at may times like my world was going to crash down around me and the only way I could stop it was to try and control things (like our possible move or my weight or trying to figure out how to get money for IVF). The funny thing is though the more I tried to control things the more everything felt out of control. We still didn't know if we were moving, due to fertility meds and who knows what else my morning weigh session was a cry fest every day and even though I tried to budget I kept going over. Also, every time I felt I was OKAY with not getting pregnant someone would announce a pregnancy and I would wither up..it really doesn't seem like it was that long ago I had to deal with this before Hudson and it's amazing how quickly all those emotions can come back and hit with a vengeance.
Then we took a trip to Vegas...
And you know what, it was life-changing. I know that sounds funny but I was taken away from the scale, from wondering if the hubs was going to get an e-mail telling our future for next year, and realizing that sometimes having just one child to chase around the casino's and restaurants is enough for now :) I gained what had been lost..perspective.
I think I was in a mind-set of "now or never" with life and it doesn't have to be that way. I got some quality time with my family (who met us there) and some good running times with the Hubs, which was long overdue since I hadn't ran since Christmas. I finally realized that no matter what, GOD is in control and I am NOT! He has a plan and it is my job to submit to that EVERY DAY.
The transforming part really didn't happen until I got home. After eating way too much the whole week I was dreading getting on the scale, not to mention on was on some fertility meds that I know have a history of making me gain weight. So what did I do..not weigh. And it was freeing! I had done a nutritional cleansing program when Hudson was 6 months old and had gained so much energy and health from it but had fallen off the wagon, so the Hubs and I decided to start it again together. I also decided to start working on a small business with the program and after many days of research was convicted that I needed to readjust my way of looking at food, not as the enemy but as fuel. I also decided to re-vamp the way we eat and make it as clean as possible since many of the things we eat are processed and contain GMO's which have been linked to infertility. We also learned we had another year before we moved so I could chill on that part :)
I now feel like so many weights have been lifted off me! Instead of worrying about the scale I am now focusing on nutrition and getting us as healthy as possible. Instead of vaguely wondering what God has for me I am making sure to approach him everyday and give that day to him (and on the days I forget I am quickly reminded how my former ways that I don't want to return to). Before we left I was depressed and angry and confused and scared...now I am at peace. All I have to say is we serve an amazing GOD who wants nothing but the best for us even when we don't understand or know what that is.
He is teaching me to THRIVE in the unknown and not WITHER. I am so blessed with what he has given me and even if we are never rich or only have one child or I weigh more than I did when I was 20, God has given us an abundant life and I am going to enjoy every bit of it.
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