I know a lot of you will agree with me, Christmas time is by far the best time of the year! I love the music (which I have been already indulging in for a month), the Christmas lights and decorations, curling up on the couch during a snow storm, Christmas shopping (you may thing I'm crazy but I love it), and the abundance of family time. Most of all though I love being reminded of the Birth of our Lord and Savior. This is also a hard time of the year for me. Before I write anymore, I just want to warn/say that I really don't mean to be a downer but I think sharing what is going on in my head will help me to not let it build up in my heart.
It is so interesting that one of the happiest times is also one of the most trying times of the year. I find myself experiencing both. I am so thankful for my family and all that God has provided for us. I know that although my problems are huge in my mind, I am very fortunate compared to others (we have a wonderful house, money to buy presents and food, warm and cute clothes, and job security). God has defiantly been good to us. I have been getting frustrated with myself because although believe that in my heart, I often forget how good God has been to us and get wrapped up in my emotions.
Although I knew this time would come, this is the first Christmas without my Gram. It is easy during most of the year to push it away because I had lived across the country from her these last few year but since Christmas time is such a family time and a time that I always see her..well it hits hard. I am rejoicing that she is spending her first Christmas with my Papa in Heaven, but I am missing her so much here on earth. We are doing more of a destination Christmas with both sides of the family this year and I am really glad because I know it would be hard to do the same traditions with her gone.
Last Christmas the Hubs was deployed (and I am so happy to spend this one with him). Since we knew that we were going to start fertility treatments when he got back I was almost sure that by the next Christmas we would have our own little one "in the hanger" (i.e be pregnant). I can't tell you how many tears I have cried this week over the fact that we are still far from that point. I know God has a plan and I trust him, but in all honesty I am fighting not to become bitter. During most of this infertility journey I have been found that although I wanted a baby so bad, my attitude towards those who are blessed with the gift of motherhood had not been negatively affected. It seems though in the last month I have changed without wanting to or meaning to. I find that when I hear someone is pregnant (especially if I don't know them) I get upset or angry and wonder why them and not me? What did they do to be blessed like this? Now before you judge me I know that God isn't keeping tallies and it doesn't work that way, but that is how I feel. I get angry at God sometimes and wonder what bad things I have done to be cursed with Infertility. I try and remind myself that compared to many others I don't have it that bad, that there is still hope and most importantly nothing is impossible for God. I guess just having another year pass without any sign of a bambino is taking it's toll. Sorry to be grumpy about all this..I just needed to vent.
On the positive side though, as much as I might get angry with God and question His time-table, this whole process is drawing me closer to Him and growing my faith more than I thought possible. It is causing me to open my mind to people and situations that I might not have if we weren't going through this..and for that alone I know that God is working.
One final note:
Now listen up..if you have kept reading this far I have something very important to say before I end this rant. If you are pregnant or have a baby or become pregnant before me…please, please, please don't hid it from me or assume that I don't want to hear. As hard as it is for me, it also gives me so much joy to be apart of your motherhood journey. I love being able to share your good and bad times too and I don't want you to ever hesitate to share things with me in fear of hurting me…it hurts me a million times more by being kept out of the loop. I debated even writing this for fear of it being taken wrong, so please know that I am not saying what I am feeling is right or anything bad about anyone else..I am just being honest and I could use some bloggy support :)
PS a happy Christmas post is coming complete with pictures of our Christmas decorations.
PPS..I was asked recently if I could write a post about what a non-infertile friend should/shouldn’t say to a infertile one and I have not been ignoring the request..I have just been thinking and praying a lot about it and I am still trying to nail everything I find helpful into a post. Also, if anyone else has questions that you would like me to expand on that I write about on my blog feel free to e-mail me at bakogrl at gmail dot com. I'm no expert but I would love to help in any way I can.
It is always the hardest around the holidays when we have lost loved ones.
ReplyDeleteWow, you hit home with how you are feeling. I am feeling the exact same way, just can't put it out there. This may sound horrible, but I am glad I am not the only one feeling this way. I just feel selfish, but at the same time I have been blessed in soo many other ways! Hang in there hun, although there is nothing I can say to make this better, but stay strong and one day we will be blessed with miracles of our own and they will be all that more special because we had to wait!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog, your feelings are totally normal!! I was there once, we tried for 3 years to have a baby then turned to IVF which worked our first time. Like you said, the "trial" drew me closer to God, it made me totally lean on him and trust him even though I did not understand why we couldn't have a baby. I'm praying for you guys!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, the holidays are the happiest and unhappiest time of year all together. It can be so joyful, but if something is lacking then there is nothing worse than having that joy come back at you. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Hang in there (easier said than done)--people are praying!!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of the blog I read "Definitely Maybe Baby". I think you might read it too.
ReplyDeleteYou two have a lot in common.
I found that I get the same way about people getting married and having kids. I get so upset with God that I don't have it, that it hurts to hear about everybody else getting it. I find myself deleting ppl's facebook newsfeed if they are always taking shots of their baby or wedding. It makes me feel bad, and I don't want to see it splattered it my face. Then, I feel bad b/c it's like "Oh I shouldn't be jealous and resentful b/c they're happy and I'm not." It sucks.
BUT....like you said..It does bring you closer to God b/c it absolutely, positively does not make sense to me. I cannot understand it. You cannot understand it. That's why we keep praying. Girl, you having me watery-eyed again. xoxo
I have felt everything you wrote about, and believe me, I don't think anyone is judging you- certainly not me!! Christmas is hard when there is no little one to share the joy with (HUG)
ReplyDeleteWell said. I feel these same things. When I hear about a friend or family member being pregnant, part of me is so happy for them that my heart could burst, but in the same instant, I feel like I've been kicked in the gut and want to cry. It's nice to hear that I'm not crazy for feeling that way. When I hear people complain about their little ones driving them crazy, I just want to scream and say to them that they should thank God every second for being blessed with healthy children. I feel your pain and I'm keeping you in my prayers. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHoney, before I got pregnant, I had the same reaction. It was the thing I hated the most. The absolute jealousy, anger, and hurt that plagued my heart when I found out ANYONE was expecting, and I still wasn't. Heck, I avoided good friends because I wasn't and they were. it was the worst.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, a close friend of mine just found out she's pregnant after trying for less than 2 months, and though we're now blessedly expecting, I STILL felt jealous that it had been so easy for her.
I know it's sinful of us, but it is human nature. And God will heal that and teach us to control it. And, when we see your babies for the first time, I have to believe it will all go away for us and just be replaced by an intense love for a baby that was so desperately wanted.
Do not beat yourself up over it. I'm praying for you, dear friend.
I felt the same way about hearing other people's happy news - it's a battle not to feel that way, and I totally understand! I don't judge you at all. It helped me to tell the Lord that I was angry, and that I didn't understand - then He could comfort me. I think He'd rather we go to him with our anger and doubts than let it eat us up inside . . .
ReplyDeleteI used to wonder if I had done something wrong too, but you're right, God doesn't work that way - in fact, I think in hindsight, it's kind of a privilege that He chose me to go through those infertile months, because ultimately it's an experience we can use to grow closer to Him, and to help others grow closer to Him. It's hard to feel that way about it when you're going through it though - I certainly didn't. But I'm trusting that someday (soon!), you'll know what I mean. :-) Hang in there, and I'm still praying for you!
Praying for you...and excited to read that post. Hang in there, sister.
ReplyDeleteHi sweetie, I will be praying for you through Christmas time and that God will comfort you as you remember your Nana and I hope very very soon you will have your own little bun in your oven. You're right, sometimes through trials it's hard to see what God is doing. I feel very much the same way right now with all of my changes and I wonder what He is up to! But I know He just really wants us to depend on Him, and everything will work out according to His glory. XO. P.S. would love to see you soon, just let me know when you have time! Hopefully your schedule is slowing down.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as if the holiday season this year will be bittersweet for you. But things always have a way of working out.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and do the things that you enjoy most to get you through.
I love you and wish I could give you a big fat hug right now! You are going to be the best little mom and I am so looking forward to hearing some really good news soon!
ReplyDeleteoh sister, how i love you. i had a break down tonight, which led to mom having one too & she told me about this post, and so i sat here reading it and crying. i so hate that you're having a hard time, but it's nice to know i'm not the only one (is that totally selfish, sorry). the other night i watched the christmas espisode of grey's, season two, where izzy is the only one not bitter about christmas & it made me feel better. we should talk soon. love you!!
ReplyDelete