The Hard Parts of Christmas..

 

I know a lot of you will agree with me, Christmas time is by far the best time of the year! I love the music (which I have been already indulging in for a month), the Christmas lights and decorations, curling up on the couch during a snow storm, Christmas shopping (you may thing I'm crazy but I love it), and the abundance of family time. Most of all though I love being reminded of the Birth of our Lord and Savior. This is also a hard time of the year for me. Before I write anymore, I just want to warn/say that I really don't mean to be a downer but I think sharing what is going on in my head will help me to not let it build up in my heart.

It is so interesting that one of the happiest times is also one of the most trying times of the year. I find myself experiencing both. I am so thankful for my family and all that God has provided for us. I know that although my problems are huge in my mind, I am very fortunate compared to others (we have a wonderful house, money to buy presents and food, warm and cute clothes, and job security). God has defiantly been good to us. I have been getting frustrated with myself because although believe that in my heart, I often forget how good God has been to us and get wrapped up in my emotions.

Although I knew this time would come, this is the first Christmas without my Gram. It is easy during most of the year to push it away because I had lived across the country from her these last few year but since Christmas time is such a family time and a time that I always see her..well it hits hard. I am rejoicing that she is spending her first Christmas with my Papa in Heaven, but I am missing her so much here on earth. We are doing more of a destination Christmas with both sides of the family this year and I am really glad because I know it would be hard to do the same traditions with her gone.

Last Christmas the Hubs was deployed (and I am so happy to spend this one with him). Since we knew that we were going to start fertility treatments when he got back I was almost sure that by the next Christmas we would have our own little one "in the hanger" (i.e be pregnant). I can't tell you how many tears I have cried this week over the fact that we are still far from that point. I know God has a plan and I trust him, but in all honesty I am fighting not to become bitter. During most of this infertility journey I have been found that although I wanted a baby so bad, my attitude towards those who are blessed with the gift of motherhood had not been negatively affected. It seems though in the last month I have changed without wanting to or meaning to. I find that when I hear someone is pregnant (especially if I don't know them) I get upset or angry and wonder why them and not me? What did they do to be blessed like this? Now before you judge me I know that God isn't keeping tallies and it doesn't work that way, but that is how I feel. I get angry at God sometimes and wonder what bad things I have done to be cursed with Infertility. I try and remind myself that compared to many others I don't have it that bad, that there is still hope and most importantly nothing is impossible for God. I guess just having another year pass without any sign of a bambino is taking it's toll. Sorry to be grumpy about all this..I just needed to vent.

On the positive side though, as much as I might get angry with God and question His time-table, this whole process is drawing me closer to Him and growing my faith more than I thought possible. It is causing me to open my mind to people and situations that I might not have if we weren't going through this..and for that alone I know that God is working.

One final note:

Now listen up..if you have kept reading this far I have something very important to say before I end this rant. If you are pregnant or have a baby or become pregnant before me…please, please, please don't hid it from me or assume that I don't want to hear. As hard as it is for me, it also gives me so much joy to be apart of your motherhood journey. I love being able to share your good and bad times too and I don't want you to ever hesitate to share things with me in fear of hurting me…it hurts me a million times more by being kept out of the loop. I debated even writing this for fear of it being taken wrong, so please know that I am not saying what I am feeling is right or anything bad about anyone else..I am just being honest and I could use some bloggy support :)

PS a happy Christmas post is coming complete with pictures of our Christmas decorations.

PPS..I was asked recently if I could write a post about what a non-infertile friend should/shouldn’t say to a infertile one and I have not been ignoring the request..I have just been thinking and praying a lot about it and I am still trying to nail everything I find helpful into a post. Also, if anyone else has questions that you would like me to expand on that I write about on my blog feel free to e-mail me at bakogrl at gmail dot com. I'm no expert but I would love to help in any way I can.

Attempting Thanksgiving on our own…

It seems like it has been forever since I haven't traveled during the Thanksgiving holiday. When I was in college I traveled to the Hubs parents (since it wasn't worth flying home from Ohio to Cali for Thanksgiving when I would be going home in a couple more weeks for Christmas). Once the Hubs and I were married it didn't get any better. Oh the joys of living far away from family. Although our families were suppose to switch off getting us for Thanksgiving and Christmas, due to different circumstances, we have mostly ended up spending Thanksgiving at the Hubs' parent's house and Christmas at mine. This year though I have sworn off traveling over Thanksgiving! Honestly, it wears on a person and I am so looking forward to having a chill Thanksgiving in our own home.

This year both sides of the family are spending Christmas together (it's a good thing we all get along) so that meant that the Hubs and I were able to not travel for both this year. Now I will admit that as much as I am looking forward to not going anywhere, I am really going to miss having Thanksgiving with our families. Okay, enough of the sentimental stuff..

I had a slight freak-out though when I realized that no family (besides the Hubs and the Charles) meant that it was my responsibility to cook the whole meal..including and not limited to the Turkey (yikes). You see, I don't do whole poultry. Sure I can handle chicken breasts but one time my mom left a whole frozen chicken in our freezer and I went to cook it and almost tossed my cookies trying get the insides out…ewww no thanks! I have sworn off that and it is now the hubs job to get all the insides out. However he also refuses for the most part so then we have to come up with creative ways to get around the whole insides of a turkey thing. I have cooked different dishes before for thanksgiving but I have never been in charge of the star of the meal. So what did I do…I searched high and low to find a no-so-expensive pre-cooked turkey…yes be ashamed! However, my futile attempts did not work out and I settled for the Jennie-O turkey breast in a bag thing (where it is all ready and you just stick the bag in the oven). So I am still actually "cooking" the turkey though no insides to deal with. And I am still nervous that I am going to mess it all up!

I have laid out a menu that is pretty similar to what I grew up having and even though it is just the two of us and the Charles (he thinks he should get a full portion of everything) I couldn't leave out my favorite dishes so I am sure we are going to have Way Way too much food! I think we might try and take some to the military guys working the Gate on Thanksgiving night.
I have also decided that working on Friday is no fun! It kind of ruins the whole relaxing thanksgiving thing knowing that while everyone else gets to go shopping I am having to work..oh well! I am hoping we get off early. And if we only get one day off this week at least we get to wear jeans (they deemed it casual week)  :)
So yeah, that's our Thanksgiving plans..oh and a Lost season 6 marathon! It is the Charles's first Thanksgiving not in a kennel so he is pretty excited!

What are your Thanksgiving plans?

Our Child in daycare...

Well by Child I mean dog, more specifically The Charles.

I think of it as parent training although I am not planning on working when we have kids so I guess I wouldn't be taking them to daycare too much. Anyways, when I started working we felt bad that he was being locked up all day, well that coupled with the fact that he would throw up every afternoon when the hubs got home (the vet says anxiety), we decided to shell out the cash and take him to puppy daycare 2-3 times a week. I realized that for the Charles 5 times was a little too much since he comes home exhausted (so nice) and usually a day in between to recover is good. But oh does he love his puppy camp :)

It has gotten to the point where when I turn onto the street in the morning that the daycare is on he starts yelping in the car out of excitement. It is nice that he gets to interact with other dogs and work off some of his energy. I don't know if anyone has been watching the Apprentice this season but I totally wish our daycare place had the webcam like they did on their challenge..I would love to see the Charles interact with the other dogs :) Sometimes I feel bad because I think that he wishes that he had other dogs to play with, which makes this arrangement really nice. I don't know how he is going to take it when I stop working and he doesn't get to go anymore..

We have been taking him since the beginning of October. However, just recently I was told the truth about dear ol' Charles. You see, I thought I had this very social dog that loved to play with other puppies. Not so much.Turns out the Charles thinks he is human. Yep, that's right, he would much rather spend time with the human workers than the other dogs. Just when I thought I was giving him what he really wanted, pups to play with, I find out that he plays with the other dogs for about an hour (of the 6-7 he is there) and then follows around the workers for the rest of the day. They love him, but seriously! I guess if that is what makes him happy that's okay :) I guess when I do stop working he won't mind very much, unless he prefers those workers to me!

One of the girls says that he has a favorite worker that he follows around and when she stops to do something he lays at her feet and then gets up and follows her when she moves again. Go figure, I guess all those years of just humans trained him to be like this! And I can't complain too much because it is so nice when he comes home and passes out and isn't whining for us to play with him. Maybe I just have a snob for a dog..

Does your dog like humans or other dogs more?

The Doctor's Report…Some good new and some not so fun news

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support this week. I truly felt it! Yesterday I went to the Doctor B (this is how I will refer to her from now on because her last name starts with a B not because she is a B..). I was told to come with a full bladder because I had to have a pelvic ultrasound. I am used to the other ones where they get all up-close and personal down there and therefore forgot and a few minutes before I left my house I went to the restroom..opps. So yeah, then I downed around 36-40 oz's of water and by the time I got to the doctor I REALLY had to pee. I have decided that those ultrasounds are not my favorite because my bladder has it's issues and someone pressing on it while it is bursting full of water is not my idea of a good time.

Anyways..moving along. The ultrasound tech was really nice and they even had a tv where I could watch the ultrasound. When I told her that I really liked that aspect and that at my old place I always wondered what everything looked like (no tv there) she started to explain to me everything she was looking at. After the pelvic ultrasound I got to empty my bladder (they had a bathroom attached to the ultrasound room..very nice) and then she proceeded to do the vaginal ultrasound. During the first ultrasound she didn't really see anything like cysts or abnormalities however, when she did the vaginal ultrasound it showed that I think on my right ovary there were two follicles in the ovary and a cyst outside of the ovary. I was a little surprised and curious because I have been having so much pain and pressure down there that I thought they would see something more. I am glad that they didn't but I also want to know where the pain and pressure are coming from.

After the ultrasound I had to wait about 30 minutes to talk to the doctor. It was basically 30 minutes of nervous torture! Finally Doctor B came in and started going over my ultrasound results. She said that the cyst outside the ovary was most likely endometriosis and that before I take any more inject able drugs or the Metaformin, she thinks it would be best to do the laparoscopy to clean out the endometriosis and while they are in there they will also make sure there aren't any other cysts and check to see if my tubes are blocked. I am nervous for the surgery but I am glad that she is wanting to thoroughly check me out before doing more meds. One thing I learned was that endometriosis is toxic to the sperm and so a lot of times you do all the work to get the egg to drop and the sperm up there and then it kills the little guys off! Doctor B seemed surprised that I didn't argue or ask more questions but I felt like we had went over everything at the first appointment and I agreed with her recommendation since I can feel there is obviously something going on down there and the pain has been getting worse. She also said that my bleeding at random times is probably due to cysts working their way out and/or the endometriosis. I asked her about my low temp again just to make sure and she said that some people just have a lower base line temp and that what really matters is whether I am ovulating which we can find out other ways.

I then went to make my appointments and talk to the billing lady. She was so nice and explained everything in depth. I loved my NJ clinic but I think since Doctor B is a does both regular OBGYN and fertility treatments that they explain things a lot more and make everything clear from the beginning. I remember when I first started all of this in NJ I was so overwhelmed and confused because the nurses and doctors didn’t really explain everything and just assumed I knew.

I had to make my appointment for after the first of the year since I will be done working then. Even though they do them on Fridays so you have the whole weekend to recover, I knew it would be better to just wait until I am done. Plus for some reason my mom doesn't think I will take care of myself so she is planning on coming out and helping out after the procedure…plus I always want my mommy during these type of things and I am so happy that she is willing to come! Doctor B said that after a procedure like this my fertility success rate should go up a lot...so here's hoping! It's hard not being able to start right away but I know this will be best for my sanity and at least we are getting the process started again.

Again, thank you all so much for your prayers and support..it means the world to me! I will keep you updated as the ball starts rolling again.

SYTYCD + Vegas + Family + Birthday = Great Weekend

I realize it’s almost the next weekend but I had to share with you all our adventures of last weekend. Now that we live closer to the West Coast I thought I would be seeing my family a lot more but with work and them still being 11 hours away, I don't get to see them as much as I would like. My sister and I share a love of So You Think You Can Dance (and even though the hubs won't admit it to everyone..he really likes it to). Two years ago in NJ the Hubs and I went to the Season 4 tour performance and had such a great time. Ever since then we have wanted to see another one. This last season, season 7, I watched partially with the hubs and partially with my sis (due to the hubs being deployed). When we saw that the season 7 tour would be performing in Las Vegas on the day before my birthday..well the deal was sealed. Since Vegas is a little over halfway to my folks it works out as a great meeting ground for a weekend..and so fun! My parents and childhood best friend came to (although they didn't go to the performance) which made the weekend all the better!

If feels like there has been so much going on these last few months and both the Hubs and I welcomed the break. It actually worked out great because since both the hubs and I didn't have to work on Veterans day we headed down Thursday and were able to spend Thursday night and most of Friday just the two of us since everyone else got there later on Friday. We left a little later on Thursday than we would have like due to a dr's appointment that I had and the fact that I showed up at the wrong address and had to book it across town to get to the appointment. However, we arrived in Vegas right before dinner which was perfect because one of the main reasons we go there is for the food!

I really don't go to Vegas a lot but I have found my favorite foods places for the most part and usually don't stray too much from them. Although there are many good buffets, there is a newer one in the M resort that is farther down the strip which is the best and since it isn't right on the strip the quality for the price is great! To make it even better though, since it was Veterans day military got to eat for $5 a person (instead of $25)..whoo hoo! Usually I end up eating way too much but since we knew that we had more eating ahead and the dinner didn't cost that much it was nice to leave feeling satisfied and not stuffed (which was probably the only meal I felt like that this weekend)!

We then checked into our room in the Paris Casino and ended up watching "Dinner with the Shmucks" which was uber hilarious! Friday morning we slept in a little bit and then headed out for breakfast at the Hash House a Go Go. If you haven't eaten there before you have to the next time you are in Vegas, the portions are huge but the prices are good and the food is amazing!! I had their version of oatmeal called the Hot and sticky granola which came with fruit and a biscuit that was to die for (and don't even get me started on the home-made jam on the table)! Yes, I know..I have a thing for food :)

The rest of the morning and afternoon we spent in Caesars shopping around (well I was shopping and the hubs was being very patient)! It was of course the essential pre-birthday shopping where you try-on a ton and put stuff on hold..
We had to change rooms (upgrade…yay) so we headed back to the hotel, packed up and then headed to Nellis AFB to check out the BX for a coach purse :) There was an air show practice so that was really cool to get to see some of (although the traffic was horrible). I didn't find a purse because even though there isn't any tax I just didn’t see one yelling at me to spend that much!

We met up with my parents and sis later, at a quick dinner and headed to the SYTYCD show (we rushed b/c we thought it started at 7pm but it really started at 7:30..opps!) The show was so much fun and we had great seats so we could really see them. As we left I was in a ton of pain due to my back and stomach cramping up (I don't know why) and so I was just ready to get to bed.

The next morning we went to my parents hotel and then headed out to breakfast at the Hash House..seriously there is so much good stuff there! Then in an effort to burn some of the calories we consumed..we did some more shopping. It is funny because although we went to the same stores as the day before I still managed to try more stuff on and my hubs treated me to some new clothes. We then headed to the outlets and were planning on going to an early dinner at the M buffet again (it was my birthday so my choice) but I got caught up at the outlets for longer than I thought..all those good sales :)

Dinner was wonderful and it was so much fun spending time with the family and getting to hang out with my bestie! We went back to their hotel afterwards and opened presents. It was a wonderful day and went by way to quickly!
The Hubs and I had to head out the next morning though everyone else got to stay longer. I was seriously tempted to just quit my job and stay the rest of the week but I know I need to finish the assignment out so I resisted! We had our farewell breakfast at again the Hash House (different location though) and by the time that was over I vowed never to look at food again!! We had to say our goodbyes but it was so much fun! I totally love my family and the time I got to spend with the bestie was amazing..although we have been best friends since before we could talk we hardly get to see or talk to each other unless I am in town. I love the time I got to spend with the Hubs too and he made this weekend and my Birthday the best!

Now it's back to the real world but at least Christmas is kind of close :)

What is your favorite birthday celebration?

A Trip to the New Doctor

I was going to wait to post anything about this because well there isn't much to tell yet and I don't know what the final outcome will be. But I am no good at Not talking about things and I could really use all your prayers.

I had a doctors appointment last Thursday. This was my first female doctors appointment since my last cycle of fertility treatment in NJ in June. I have mentioned several times before that I have felt off since then and since I didn't have any type of follow-up I was concerned about cysts from all the follicles in the last cycle (especially the 43mm one)!

Anyways, I had to go to my PCM first on base and then she referred me out to a normal OBGYN which would then refer me to a specialist (I know..annoying process)! Since I was trying not to take time off work I had to wait till veterans day since I already had it off. I was excited because the address for the doctor was literally around the corner from my house…well that was until I showed up and found out she had moved and had to jet across town to try and not be too late to the appointment. My main goal out of this appointment was to get an ultrasound, make sure everything was okay and see what the next steps were. I was surprised to find that, when I actually made it to the right dr's office, that Girl Doc (since my doc in NJ was a male) was not only a regular OBGYN but also a fertility specialist as well! The appointment ended up being very interesting. Since I had only been to the Boy Doc in NJ I guess I just figured that they would take the same approach. I am glad it was different though because the NJ approach didn't seem to work for me to well..I was excited to have a new set of eyes for this process.

I had brought my charts from the Boy Doc as well as the temperature chart I had been attempting to do this last month. I was also concerned because as I was charting my temp it was too low for the normal chart (averaged about a 96.5) and I didn't know if that meant anything. I know most people's gets up pretty high when they are ovulating but mine has topped out so far at 97.67. Anyways Girl Doc didn't seem too concerned about that and said that my chart looked like a regular ovulatory cycle so far, but was concerned with the fact that I didn't have any sort of discharge (sorry if this is TMI)!

As I talked to her I started to feel better about finding out what is going on. I have been having a lot of pains and after looking at my history from the Boy Doc, Girl Doc says the first thing she wants to do is an ultrasound to see if I have any cysts. She was really concerned that I had been over-stimulated from the last cycle.From there if I do I will have to have laparoscopic surgery to remove them and at the same time she will check for endometriosis and also to see if my tubes are blocked. She was a little concerned about why I hadn't gotten pregnant yet since my last treatment cycles were pretty good. Since I didn't get the HSG  at Boy Doc's office If I don't have cysts that is the next step. She did talk to me some about IVF since I seem to have a problem releasing the egg and I guess if my tubes are blocked that might be our only option. The Hubs and I are still not sure on our thoughts on that but I guess we will have to cross the bridge if necessary. I asked Girl Doc about acupuncture and she said that although she doesn't work directly with it, anything that is suppose to help and doesn't harm is worth a shot. I know some of you girls have tried that so any advice on acupuncture would be appreciated! She also said that she would put me on Metaformin but she wanted to wait to see if I needed surgery first since it can make you dizzy and nauseous.

I am just so ready to be pregnant and everything is so up in the air right now, but I do feel better that we are at least moving along in the process again. Since I am working through the end of December, any major things will have to wait until the first of the year, but at least I will know what is coming. I am still trusting God and I do truly believe that He has His timing for us and whatever method he chooses to use. I know they say it's not good to pray for patience but that is what I have been praying for because this is hard! I felt kind of dumb because when I was talking with Girl Doc and telling her that a lot of the people who have been trying also are now pregnant I started crying. I asked her about being supper emotional (I seriously cry all the time) and she said it is part to do with the medication still in my system and part to do with PCOS. I also asked her about the weight gain (I have gained about 5-10 pounds since starting all of this and no matter what I do it won't go away) and she said that is also due to the medication. Girl Doc told me that it takes about 6 months of no meds to get all the medication out of a person's system.

I have my ultrasound on Thursday and then I talk with the doctor afterwards. I am really glad because today and yesterday I have been spotting and had a lot of pain. I really appreciate any prayers you wouldn't mind sending my way :)

For now I just get to live vicariously through the wonderful ladies that either just found out they are pregnant or are in the midst of their pregnancy or just had their little one..I am ecstatic for you all and I can't wait to hear more..and maybe some of your fertility will rub off on me :)

I just love it when this happens..

I just love it when things I read in my devotions speak directly to things I am dealing with at the moment. I find that if I don't dig into God's word or read my choice devotional for that day in the morning I won't get around to it. So I have been making sure that even if it is only 10 minutes in the morning, and even if I don't feel like it or have a million other things on my mind, that I take the time to spend some time with God. Several years ago my sister gave me an extra copy of "My Utmost for His Highest" and although it is falling apart I can read it over and over and get something new out of it every time. It is one of my main morning reads right now. I also try to pick a book in the Bible to read but lately I have been slacking on that part.

Anyways, although I have been diligent in my reading I have still felt kind of far away from God. I feel like I have had so many things going on in my head that I can't concentrate on what I am reading or God is trying to say. You know when you just feel like things are clicking or it just takes a lot of effort to get anything out of it..well that was me..and yet I read on.

The last couple days though things have started to become effortless again. I have felt like each day I have been able to relate and come away with something pertaining to my current issues. Not only that but I have seen or recognized God move in my life more. I just love it when this happens. I do realize that as God's children we go through dry spells where we feel far away from Him, and he has a purpose for that, but I have to admit how much I love it when the rain comes!

This morning I think it hit me the most. As you probably have been able to tell from my last few posts, I have a lot of different issues I am dealing with right now. Two of the main issues (besides the baby one) have been body image and making friends and missing my old friends (more on that to come). I have been struggling a lot with my mental attitude towards my body, especially as I am still dealing with the after-effects of the fertility treatments with no baby right now. Without even realizing it I have been placing so much time and energy (both mentally and physically) on getting back to my "pre-treatment" body. The funny thing is that we are going to be starting treatments again soon so I really don’t know why I am doing this to myself! But even more so, I am realizing that if I am wrapping up all my mental and physical energy in this one area (and putting too much emphasis on it) then God can't use me where he wants to. When I was driving home yesterday and listening to KLUV the DJ said something that really stuck with me, he was talking about the show "the biggest loser" and said "turn off the tv and facebook or myspace or anything that makes you dislike your body because God can use you no matter what and he isn't concerned with that"….this is my paraphrase. The hubs and I were just talking about this yesterday ..which is another discussion altogether but he was a great encouragement to me. Then today while I was reading "My Utmost for His Highest" for the day of Nov. 4th I came to the end and God reminded me of his priorities:

"The last thing we do is come; but everyone who does come knows that that second the supernatural rush of the life of God invades him instantly. The dominating power of the world, the flesh and the devil is paralysed, not by your act, but because your act has linked you on to God and His redemptive power."

Now I know that for me I usually have to re-read the passages from this book several times to understand what the author is saying. But this time it really hit me that I don’t' need to be afraid to give my body image issues over to God because although it might not be the outcome I see as best right now…I will never be able to argue that God's plan and his redemptive power and the power to change what I think is beautiful and acceptable is way better than my own efforts.

Anyways just remember that even when God feels very far away he is still right there with you and just wait because when he reveals himself to you again it is totally worth the dry spell.

Have a great Friday!!

When I don't listen sometimes God shouts..

 

Sometimes I think that I suffer from long-term memory loss when it comes to my schedule. I tend to get wrapped up in the here and now of what I want and think is best and I forget the lessons that God has taught me in the past..and well then he sometimes has to yell to get my attention in his special God way.

Take Exhibit A:

In the months before we got to Utah I was happy not working, having more of a free schedule to get involved in activities and undergoing fertility treatments. Right after we ended the last round of treatments with a BFN we moved to Utah and decided to take a short break from the said treatments. I was in a new place with no friends, no treatments to occupy my time and it was in the middle of the summer so most activities were on hold. So what does that mean, well it means that I get bored and start thinking that I need to work full time again (yes, forgetting what God had shown me last year when I went through this and realized we work better as a family and I am more happy when I am not working or working part time). I do want to add before I continue that I don’t think there is anything AT ALL wrong with both spouses working fulltime, this is just what I have realized works best for my family and God has blessed us with the fact that I don't have to work.

Anyways, moving along..

I admit now (which I have known for a while) that I basically have two speeds or schedules I bounce back and forth from: free and slow or crazy and supper busy! What to guess which schedule I am on now??

Luckily on my never-ending quest for a job once we arrived in Utah I see how God orchestrated it so that I would get a temp job (not even temp-to-hire). Working and trying to fit everything else in this last month has reminded me of those oh so precious lessons that he taught me the last time I worked full-time. It has also brought to the forefront how much we want to grow our family and how hard that is when we never see each other :)

But..

I'm a little dense sometimes and although I have moments of clarity I seem to forget them right after and either try to add more responsibilities to my already packed list or think that I can continue on like this forever.

Moving onto Exhibit B:

Since we have been leaving the Charles alone a lot during the day I thought it would be a good idea to get him a friend. The hubs and I talked getting another dog and decided it might be best to wait until January when I am done working. However, I talked the hubs into going to Pet Co. a few weeks ago during an adoption day and we found our second dream dog. She seemed almost too good to be true but we also had jumped into our last dog purchase too quickly so we didn't want to do the same thing again (although now we wouldn't give up the Charles for anything)! We got the foster family's number with the promise to think (and pray hard) about it during the week and let them know by Friday (it was Sunday). Luckily the hubs was diligent about waiting till the end of the week and really trying to listen to where God was leading us. Me on the other hand, well I prayed about it but I really felt that we should do it so I think I was a little annoying to the hubs that week :)

At the end of the week we decided to do the "foster to adopt" where you take the dog for a week and then if it works you pay for her and if not you give her back to the foster family. We picked her up Saturday and had fun watching her interact with the Charles. It was weird though too because we are so used to our routine and so it kind of shook that up. When we had talked to the foster family they said they thought she was about 6 months and that she was potty trained and didn't chew (yeah I know). After going through the puppy phase with the Charles we vowed never to do it again but we figured she was far enough a long that she was mostly out of that phase.

Once we got her home we realized that she was younger than they thought (the hubs noticed that she still had her baby teeth). She did really good overall though; she would sit at the door when she had to go potty but when we didn't notice she would go in the house. We got her some chew toys but then Charles decided that he wanted whatever toy Layla was playing with at the time..yeah good kid training :)

By the next morning though when she had pooped in the house and I tried taking both dogs outside at the same time by myself, and she chewed my favorite flip-flops, we realized we might be a one dog family for right now. If I wasn't working full time it might have been a different story but even with that I couldn't imagine having both of them with a new baby (whenever our time comes for that).

We decided to take her back before us or her or the Charles got too attached. It is crazy how much you can get attached to a dog in just one day though. The night after we took her back I cried the whole night. I kept picturing her little face and felt like I had abandoned or betrayed her. Seriously, I was a mess! At work the next day I wasn’t any better but I also didn't want to make the hubs feel bad by talking about it non-stop. If I could have I would have gone back and got her right then and there! At that time I really felt like we didn’t' give her enough of a chance, but as the hubs pointed out..we could have made it work but it wouldn't have been the best situation for her or us. It was funny too because she never went potty inside or chewed at the foster girl's house and I think it was because they were home during the day and have a yard.

But again God has a plan and I learn the hard way…

and finally Exhibit C:

Two days after we took Layla back I was taking the Charles out to go potty before I left for work we were walking up the cement steps when he saw a cat…yes me and early morning darkness and dogs are not a good mix right now (I.e. the dog bite). I didn’t realize that he had taken off running with me attached until I hit the ground hard. My knee skidded and thumped and hurt really bad. I ended up getting a rug-burn and a huge lump on my knee. I took a picture and sent it to my mom and one of the first things she said was “I think God is trying to tell you to slow down and you won’t listen so he has to get your attention someway”. She also brought up a good point that if I had two dogs outside it might have been a lot worse. I had to agree and laugh a little because as hard as these last few weeks have been I am starting to learn to listen to God. I am learning not to say “but” or “what about this” when God tries to tell me something. I fully believe that He is in control and that My life is better when I don’t question his plan but just go along. It is not easy but for the sake of my sanity and legs, it’s essential.

Oh and in more exciting news…tomorrow is trash day which means it is Thursday and that is one day closer to Friday and the weekend!!