23 Months

Since my baby is going to be 2 in less than a month (2 people, where did the time go?!) I thought it might be fun to actually do an update on the little monster, I mean little guy (though monster fits him a lot of the time..in a loving way of course).

Huds is such a fun little kid and although a lot of the time I feel like putting him in a permanent time out or worse I wouldn't give up any of this time with him. And when I get one of the coveted Hudson hugs all challenging things leave my memory (both Josh and I agree there is nothing better than a Hudson hug). As I have thought back over the last two years I have realized that he was a very easy baby but has become a very challenging little boy.

This little adorable guy has more energy than I could ever explain to anyone that has not met him. My mom (who had three kids in the span of 3.5 years) has said numerous times that he has more energy than My brother, sister and myself combined when we were that age..yikes! Yes it can be a challenge (like today when I got to chase him around REI and pick up all the stuff he was kindly re-arranging on the shelves) but it can also be a lot of fun. For the most part he is a really happy kid and fairly easy going with our constant on-the-go schedule (I can't stand to be home all day). I figured it would be easiest to do bullet points for his likes and dislikes so here it goes:

Hudson's Likes:

- TV (he is constantly asking to watch PBS kids and whenever we go anywhere and he sees a TV he starts getting all excited and will do anything to get to it. It has become a joke at the nursery at church and bible study because he is "the Kid who always wants to watch TV". It is mostly my fault since we have it on a lot at home and I let him watch the DVD player in the car).

- Climbing on the back of the couch, he has had many time-outs for this but it doesn't seem to matter to him.

- Kitchen utensils, He has a whole toy corner in the living room but all he plays with are random kitchen utensils most of the time.

- The vacuum, he begs me almost every day to vacuum and then he loves to get out the swiffer and broom and pretend to clean the floors..so cute.

- The Charles (our dog) although Charlie still isn't sure if he likes Hudson that much. Hudson calls him "he" but if he sees me give the dog attention he starts to freak out (a new baby is going to be interesting).

- People, Huds is not shy at all and loves to tell everyone he see's "hi" and "bye" and many other things no one can understand. He also doesn't like anyone to be left out and every time the Hubs takes him and the dog outside he won't leave until I come with them. He says "come, come" and does the cutest hand motion. Die :)

- Outside, he loves loves being outdoors which I totally didn't mind while it was warm but am quickly realizing that this is not going to be fun in the cold.

- Dancing and jumping, Hudson loves music and loves to dance and it is so cute. He also loves to jump around anywhere, on the ground or the couch or wherever he can.

- Playing with Dad, They are so cute together and it warms my heart to see them play together.

- Showers, recently hudson threw up as soon as he got in the bath so we quickly decided that Josh would give him a shower since he took the majority of what came out of huds mouth and ever since then Hudson begs us to take a shower.

- Talking, Hudson "talks" all the time. Although he is still mostly on one word phrases he is constantly saying something and it is starting to become easier to understand. He knows a lot of body parts and loves to point out feet or shoes. He also knows mom and dad and whenever I am folding laundry he loves pointing out all of dad's clothes. He can count to 3 pretty easily and is getting closer to counting more. He is also getting pretty good at animal sounds and can do the cutes monkey moves.

- Books, Hudson loves reading and if I allow it we can sit for what feels like forever a read one book after the next. He also loves reading to himself which is so adorable.

- Milk, which is all that he survives on. He loves milk and we go through at least 2 gallons of whole milk a week.

- Banging things with whatever he can get his hands on...future drummer?

- Running, he runs everywhere and is really quick.

Hudson's Dislikes:

- Food, this kid is seriously the pickiest eater I have ever met. Like I said earlier he mostly survives off of milk and will sometimes drink pediasure or smoothies but those are rare. Most of the time he wont let anything into his mouth and if you try and trick him he will start to "choke" and then proceed to throw up. He will eat annies fruit snacks, donuts and cookies and he loves mike and ikes but I am really trying to limit his sugar so yeah he mostly eats fruit snacks and yogurt and milk. He is an average weight and height though so the doctor isn't worried and I have pretty much given up worrying about it.

- Being told what to do, we have a VERY stubborn kid on our hands.

- Being confined, he is not one to sit still and if you try and get him to stay in one area it is not pleasant on anyone.

- time-outs, we have recently been trying to be good about starting to discipline and since Hudson likes to be in the center of everything we have found that time-out's seem to have the best effect. I think he has started the "terrible two's" early so this has been an almost daily thing for us lately.

- Shopping, he is usually pretty good for a little bit was gone is the supper good shopper that he was as a baby :(

Overall he is a really good kid and we love him to pieces. He warms my heart everyday and I am so glad that I am his Mommy! I can't believe he is getting so big!

God's Perfect Timing leads to HUGE surprises sometimes!

When I am faced with difficult situations I often find myself doubting God's timing and plan for my life. I know that HIs ways are better than mine, In my heart I really do, but for some reason my head/rational thinks that I know best and quickly goes into Fix it mode. A lot of times I don't even realize it or when I do I don't try to change my path... it is something I have been working on but as an imperfect human it is a long work in progress. There are those times though where I decide that my human ways aren't working and that I need to trust God and His plan (which I should have done in the first place). And there are those times where God decides to show up big and show me why I need to trust Him and His plans. He gently shows me that He has my and my families best interest at heart and that if I wait on Him and find comfort in Him it would save me so many tears and heartache. Do I learn? Usually no unfortunately. Does he still show up, comfort me and carry out His will for my life? YES!! And boy am I glad :)

The funny thing is that with babies we really don't have any control. No matter what we do or try to fix, ultimately God is the maker of life and it is He who decides when to bless us with these miracles. Yes, there are plenty of medical interventions that can help people achieve the goal of having a baby but I truly believe that no matter what we try and do medically God is still making the final decision and is still in control. I also believe that there are many times that God uses modern medicine in the process. The biggest thing that I have had to learn though is that just because He uses it for some people it doesn't mean that is what He will for my life. Again, I am a fix-it person who wants results asap and so this has been really hard for me to learn.

If anyone is still reading my blog and has read my others posts, it is no secret that the Hubs and I have struggled with infertility for a long time. It took us three years to get pregnant with Hudson and through that process we did many fertility treatments and surgery only to get pregnant on our own. Yay God! When Hudson was 10 months old we decided to start trying again since we knew it would take a while and we didn't want a huge age gap. Over the next few months we did more treatments and were ultimately told that we would have to do IVF to get pregnant. This was devastating new for me, I don't think there is anything wrong with doing IVF, but I couldn't ignore the fact that in my heart I knew that God was telling me that was not what he had for us and to wait on Him. After we found out the news the first thing my Hubs said was that if we ever were to get pregnant again how much greater would the testimony of God's power be. I totally agreed but was still heartbroken because I doubted God and took that news to mean we would never get pregnant again.

Many times throughout this last year I have gone back and forth on doing IVF but each time I have felt God tell us to stop. I have been pretty much laughed at when I would try to quiz the doctor on other options and finally just gave up. This summer my Endometriosis started flaring up and so I scheduled surgery for the beginning of September. I secretly hoped that after the surgery I would get pregnant (which is what had happened with Hudson).

A few weeks before the surgery God decided to rock our world and prove HIs power. After feeling a little off i decided to take a pregnancy test, I can't even tell you how many I have taken in the last year so this was not unusual, but this time it was positive! I was in shock! I had all these cute ideas of how I was going to tell the Hubs and they all went out the window as ran upstairs to show him the test ;) The next few weeks were full of emotion as I got my blood work and waited to see the doctor. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it was to hear the strong heartbeat of this second miracle baby. All I can say is that God is Good!! This has been a crazy emotional year but God knows what He is doing and I am so glad that He is in control!

I am 11 weeks right now and am starting to feel better :) I look forward to doing update posts and I have a few other posts in the works so maybe I will actually be showing my face around here more :)

Thriving in the unknown

Right now God is teaching me to live and THRIVE while most of the pieces in my life remain unknown to me. A week ago I had no idea where we would be living next year, if we would be making the mad rush to try and rent or sell our house, IF we would ever have another child, IF I would ever be happy with myself (no matter how much I weighed or what clothes I had) and what God really wanted from me. I was so focused on myself that I had unknowingly left God out of the picture. I felt at may times like my world was going to crash down around me and the only way I could stop it was to try and control things (like our possible move or my weight or trying to figure out how to get money for IVF). The funny thing is though the more I tried to control things the more everything felt out of control. We still didn't know if we were moving, due to fertility meds and who knows what else my morning weigh session was a cry fest every day and even though I tried to budget I kept going over. Also, every time I felt I was OKAY with not getting pregnant someone would announce a pregnancy and I would wither up..it really doesn't seem like it was that long ago I had to deal with this before Hudson and it's amazing how quickly all those emotions can come back and hit with a vengeance.

Then we took a trip to Vegas...

And you know what, it was life-changing. I know that sounds funny but I was taken away from the scale, from wondering if the hubs was going to get an e-mail telling our future for next year, and realizing that sometimes having just one child to chase around the casino's and restaurants is enough for now :) I gained what had been lost..perspective.

I think I was in a mind-set of "now or never" with life and it doesn't have to be that way. I got some quality time with my family (who met us there) and some good running times with the Hubs, which was long overdue since I hadn't ran since Christmas. I finally realized that no matter what, GOD is in control and I am NOT! He has a plan and it is my job to submit to that EVERY DAY.

The transforming part really didn't happen until I got home. After eating way too much the whole week I was dreading getting on the scale, not to mention on was on some fertility meds that I know have a history of making me gain weight. So what did I do..not weigh. And it was freeing! I had done a nutritional cleansing program when Hudson was 6 months old and had gained so much energy and health from it but had fallen off the wagon, so the Hubs and I decided to start it again together. I also decided to start working on a small business with the program and after many days of research was convicted that I needed to readjust my way of looking at food, not as the enemy but as fuel. I also decided to re-vamp the way we eat and make it as clean as possible since many of the things we eat are processed and contain GMO's which have been linked to infertility. We also learned we had another year before we moved so I could chill on that part :)

I now feel like so many weights have been lifted off me! Instead of worrying about the scale I am now focusing on nutrition and getting us as healthy as possible. Instead of vaguely wondering what God has for me I am making sure to approach him everyday and give that day to him (and on the days I forget I am quickly reminded how my former ways that I don't want to return to). Before we left I was depressed and angry and confused and scared...now I am at peace. All I have to say is we serve an amazing GOD who wants nothing but the best for us even when we don't understand or know what that is.

He is teaching me to THRIVE in the unknown and not WITHER. I am so blessed with what he has given me and even if we are never rich or only have one child or I weigh more than I did when I was 20, God has given us an abundant life and I am going to enjoy every bit of it.

What's Been Happening...

(Pre-warning the first half was written before christmas but I never had a chance to finish it and I don't feel like going back and editing it to be present day so hopefully it isn't too confusing)

Well folks it happened again..I fell off the blogging bandwagon :( As many of you know often times life gets in the way, good or bad, and well the blog gets pushed to the side. We have had a very busy couple of months (that I have been dying to write about) and often times I have to choose to blog or spend time with the Huds or just have a few moments of sanity. Apparently I never choose blogging :) On the good side though starting in January my schedule will be a lot more flexible and although Hudson has been extremely clingy, I am hoping to be disiplined enough to use at least one nap time a week to focus on my blog. With all that said I haven't stopped reading everyone else's blogs and I love getting to stay kind of connected; rejoicing in the good news and crying in the bad. On the crying note…I seem to not be able to stop lately! It is actually kind of annoying..a cute commercial, watching Grey's last night, a secret santa giveaway story on the radio on my way to work, and of course the latest horrific news of the children and adults lost in the CT shooting. So if you know me IRL I appologize right now because I never know what is going to start the next crying fest!

The hard part about waiting so long to update is that there is so much I don't know where to start! Since there is a lot of content to cover I am going to share first what has been biggest/hardest/whatever you want to call it stuff that has been the forfront of my world right now (besides my amazing son and hubs oh and charles), the B word. Yup the talk of a second baby. Now don’t get too excited, I'm not pregnant. But I do feel this is a story that I have to start from a few months ago and go in order so here it goes…

As many of you who have been reading my blog know (if there are any left reading) it took the Hubs and I about 3 years and many fertility treatments later to get pregnant with our adorable Hudson almost naturally (I will never say God doesn’t have a sense of Humor or can't work Miracles but I am getting a head of myself). When Hudson was two months old the Hubs left for a 6 month deployment (Jan 2012). During that time the thought of another baby while doing the single parent thing was the farthest thing from my mind, not to mention since the Hubs was gone it was pretty much impossible. Selfishly I had lost the baby weight plus the extra 10 pounds I had gained to help get pregnant and I was enjoying having my body back to myself (Hudson had decided on his own that he was done nursing at 5.5 months). I also wanted to enjoy the time as a family of 3 when the Hubs got back from his deployment. We really hadn't had a chance to get used to our bigger family before he left so there was an adjustment period as well as me learning how to let go of certain ways of doing things (it's hard to adjust to co-parenting after being a single parent for the majority of your 9 month old's life). However, the Hubs really makes it easy for me to adjust and I was so happy to have him back and have the extra help with Hudson that I don't think I really even noticed the transition that much. Although it is hard to go that long without seeing him we got spoiled when he returned and had about a month with just him before he had to go back to work.

Now is where I might start with the TMI on female issues so If you don't want to hear it you can stop reading…

Consider yourself farily warned..

Even though I had stopped nursing Hudson when he was around 5 1/2 months my period didn't return. I wasn't surprised since it had completely stopped when I was 19 and only returns as a result of medication. I had breifly thought though that maybe the pregnancy would have fixed some things..I guess not. I really really don't mind not having a period when we aren't trying to get pregnant but when we are it is the most discouraging and frustrating thing! A few weeks before Josh got back I started cramping a lot and having a lot of lower back pain, so bad that it would wake and keep me up at night (and for those of you who have little ones you know how much you covet your sleep). I knew that things would be busy with Josh returning and all the activities we had planned at home and away. I was also training for the San Fran 1/2 marathon so I thought it might be related and didn't really feel like finding someone to watch hudson while I went to go get check out so I put it off. In the meantime Josh returned from his deployment, we had a wonderful time in San Fran and the 1/2 was so much fun. We also enjoyed a lot of quality family of three time.

In August I was having severe sinus issues and while at one of my doctors appointments I mentioned the cramping and pain. She sent me to the OB on base who gave me some suggestions but none that I was thrilled about. From there the Hubs and I decided to go ahead and start trying for the second one earlier than we had planned. I went to the OB that had delivered Hudson and did one round of clomid which didn't work. I then went to an RE that I really like and since I was training for the AF marathon in September he wanted me to wait until after that to start anything. After the marathon I did a round of pills and shots and an IUI. I got the stomach flu the day before Hudson's big 1st birthday party (one week into the two week wait) which gave me hope that it might have worked since I hardly ever get sick like that (I blame it on daycare). However that cycle didn't work either.

The RE wanted to see us before we did anything else to discuss some new test results. I knew that was not good news and that IVF would be brought up. I have nothing against IVF but I also knew that we can't afford it right now and both Josh and I felt that God was telling us to wait on it. Just as I had thought, results from a test done before the IUI showed that without IVF our chances of getting pregnant right now are about 2%. Not good. We found out that it wasn't just me with the issues and that where mine could be helped with medication, the Hubs couldn't and that if we wanted to have a second baby IVF was really our only option. I cried a lot and we were both devastated but it also showed us what a miracle baby Hudson is. We knew when we were finally pregnant with Hudson that it was God's plan and that he was our little miracle since we had tried for so long, but until this appointment neither of us knew how true that was! Although the news was new to us the condition had been there all along. In the midst of the hurt of this news all I could think of was the God is Good and what an amazing gift he has given us with Hudson!

We decided at that point we would stop all fertility treatments and try and accept that we would only have one child (as more time passes though this is getting harder and harder to accept). And pray a lot that God would give us another miracle baby if it was His plan. I also decided to stop working so that I didn't miss anything with Hudson. I have to say that has been one of the best decisions so far! This little guy is so much fun and cracks me up everyday!

I am really hoping to get back into blogging because I miss it and it is the easiest way to document these struggles and keep friends and family in the loop. There is more to this story that I will be posting later this week but I didn't want to make this any longer for right now.

And I couldn't end without some cute pics of the Huds :)