Another Month with no Bambino

It’s funny..as much as I knew it probably wouldn’t happen this month, as much as I kept telling myself (and the hubs) not to get our hopes up and as much as I tried not to plan for the “what-if’s” all in an effort for it to be less painful, less disappointing; it didn’t make any difference.

Today I took a pregnancy test and was greeted by the dreaded BFN. Shocker..I know.

The reason that I took the test is because today is my last day of progesterone for this month and I needed to be sure I wasn’t pregnant before I stopped taking it. I tried so hard this month not to get my hopes up, especially with all the confusion on when to take the progesterone. I don’t even think I ovulated..yet it still was really hard to see those words. I think I was really nervous all night because I didn’t sleep well and had a dream that we got a positive test. Unfortunately it was only and dream and it has yet to become a reality.

The last few days I had allowed myself to plan what we would do if it was positive and although it made it harder I don’t regret it because it helped keep my sanity. However, I kept warning the hubs that we shouldn’t be planning anything because when we do it always turns out negative.

I was very down this morning and really didn’t want to go to bible study. However, I went and God used that time to show me that it is not all about me and my wants or desires. Not that they are bad but he might have other plans. I feel a little better now and I am excited about what he has in store for us. I just wish I could shake the feeling that it is one more month lost or one more month closer to realizing it is never going to happen. Sorry but that is the honest truth. I think I am struggling with what to pray. I know that God tells us to ask for the desires of our hearts but I also know that He has a plan for my life and I have submitted to do His will. Right now I am praying for a little bambino (and soon)but I am also praying that if He has something else for us to change the desires of our hearts.

Anyways, I didn’t mean to be such a downer today I just wanted to keep you all in the loop as to what is going on here. I feel like I have a decent game plan for next month and then if we are still not pregnant I will start the process of seeing the RE again (well a new one) and probably starting a more aggressive treatment plan. I think right now though the Charles and I are going to cuddle on the couch and have some quality mommy/puppy bonding time while catching up on shows :)

Random Life Snapshots

So I have really slacked in writing anything lately. Bad me! I think that every time I sit down to write something there is so much going on in my head that I want to share that I just don’t know where to start. So instead of putting it off any longer I decided it would be better to give you all some snapshots (bullet points) of my life lately.

So here we go (in a very random order)..

- Even though we had a strict no valentines present rule the hubs surprised me and had flowers delivered to our house :)

- I had agreed to take a really short-term temp job (10 hours a week for 3 weeks) but when I went to my first day yesterday it was a disaster. I called the temp agency right after to let them know it wasn’t going to work out. They were really understanding and it brought to light some things that they needed to be aware of. So the flowers really helped brighten up my day (see above)!

- Our couch that we have had for just over two years broke last week :( I love this couch and it is still workable but on the amazing advise of my mommy, we talked to the customer service at Costco (were the said couch was bought) and they agreed to take it back..yay! So guess what that meant, well basically spending all day saturday shopping for a new couch and after a lot of looking found almost the exact same one in a lighter color at RC Willey for about $100 less that what we are getting back for the old couch. Score! We still need to actually take the old couch back but we need to figure it out so that we have very minimal time without a couch because that would severely hinder our TV watching..not good.

- We have had such amazing weather this week..like in the high 50’s and I am so glad because that means that there isn’t any snow on the ground. Now I had nothing against snow on the ground until the charming Charles decided that it is his job to eat up all the snow and will whine at the door until i take him out to “do his job”. We don’t have a yard so I actually have to take him out on a leash and it was getting way out of hand. Now if I could just get him to stop whining every time I am on the phone I would be very grateful (seriously, yesterday i had to lock myself in the bathroom while on a business call because he was whining so loud)!

- I am almost done with my first round of Progesterone and have bought a new thermometer and some other helpful things to hopefully make the next cycle a success. Lately though my lower back has been killing me and I can’t figure out why. Did anyone have this problem while taking Metformin and Progesterone? I have also be really nauseous and on Sunday while sitting on the couch I almost blacked out. My back is the most annoying thing though because it will wake me up at night sometimes and just makes the days extra tough. I have taken different stuff but nothing seems to really help. The hubs and I have massages this weekend and I am so looking forward to that!

- Speaking of medication, Ever since I increased my dose of Metformin my sugar and coffee intake has suffered. Not because of my I don’t like them but because I feel sick after consuming them. So sad but I am sure my waist line appreciates it.

- The hubs and I signed up for the SLC 1/2 marathon in April so that means I am back on a training plan. Luckily my knee has been very nice to me lately and I was very grateful to realize that it didn’t hurt at all on satruday after running 7 miles. Hopefully the trend will continue.

- The hubs and I joined a home group with our church a couple weeks ago and it has been such a blessing. We had been wanting to join one but never actually followed through with it. We have received so much encouragement there and all of the couples are so amazing! It has also really helped both of us feel more connected to Utah and more settled for the time being.

- We went to Ikea on Saturday and  I found the most adorable baby fabric that would totally go with the decor for a girls room that I want to do if we ever have one. So of course I had to buy it! This lead to the hubs and I to discussing baby names all sunday morning and luckily we are on the same page for the most part. We keep joking that we have everything set but the baby and that is the most crucial point! It did make me realize thought that a lot of people that I know IRL are pregnant right now and one of by main fears/concerns is that they will take our coveted names..I don’t really know how I would handle that.

- In three weeks we will be heading to Washington DC to stay in the Ritz Carlton for three nights and then visit family. I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am. Oh yeah and during our trip we will celebrate our 4th anniversary!

I don’t want to overwhelm you all too much so I will have more later :) Overall we are doing well. I have to admit though I have had a tough couple of weeks trying not to get discouraged about the baby stuff. I wanted to thank those of you who have been praying for us..we really appreciate it!

An Update

First I want to say thank you all for your suggestions and most importantly your prayers and encouragement. I know a lot of you have suggested charting my temperature and my CM. Honestly it was really good to read all of the comments, they all helped remind me that I am not alone in this struggle. So again, thank you!

Warning for the following, if you are a guy or don’t want to hear about all the female stuff feel free to stop reading now.

Moving along, I did try charting my temperature for two months before I had the surgery. I have ran into a couple problems though. First, my temp seems to run really low (like in the 96 range) which was lower than what the chart measured. About half way through the first month I found a chart for lower temps and started using that but I was still concerned by the low temp. Now I kind of wonder if it also had something to do with my thermometer which took like a minute and a half to get my final temp read (so annoying)! I showed the chart to Dr. B and she said that it looked like an ovulary cycle but she still didn’t fully think that I ovulated and my cycles were very irregular. Dr. B said that she doesn’t recommend charting temp because according to her it is not reliable and there are other more reliable ways to see if I have ovulated.

I asked her again about charting after I had the surgery and was going to be waiting two months before treatments but her answer was still the same with the addition of using the OPK’s and taking Metformin and Progesterone. Like I said in the previous post, she told me to take the progesterone on day 17 of my cycle incase I ovulate late and take it for 10 days. At that time I didn’t think to ask her what to do if I haven’t ovulated by day 17 (which is the main reason for all of these frantic posts)! Since my last appointment with Dr. B she has moved to a different practice so I can’t get in contact with her to clarify. I haven’t been charting because she seemed so against it.

However, after hearing from all of you lovely ladies I am going to start charting again next cycle (with the help of a new thermometer). One of my other problems is that I am very dry. Like in zero CM. I know that CM is very helpful in detecting ovulation so not having any makes everything even more confusing. I had started freaking out about all of the negative OKP’s but after hearing from others that they never worked for them I feel a little better.

Now back to taking the progesterone. This has been the most confusing part. I hate feeling so in the dark and everyone has been really helpful but in the end I have to figure out when to take it. I really don’t want to do anything to mess up our chances so I have just been a little spooked about taking it since I don’t know if I have ovulated. The hubs and I talked about not taking it this cycle since I am unsure and then trying it the next cycle. I have also thought about waiting until day 21 or so and then taking it. After talking to a friend of ours that is an OB today I think I have formed a plan for this cycle.

He explained to me that part of having me take it on day 17 is to try and get me more regulated. To him it sounds like I am probably not going to get pregnant this cycle so he suggested to start taking it now for the 10 days (since it is day 19 of my cycle). He did think it was a good idea to take a pregnancy test before I stop taking it just to be safe. I am going to call Dr. B’s old office tomorrow (where I have been going) to make sure I should take it. If I get the go from them then I am going to start the progesterone tomorrow and make sure I am not pregnant before I go off of it!

I know this is a lot of info but I just wanted to give an update to all of you who asked me what I have tried and have been so encouraging! I will make sure and keep you all updated! Boy is this hard work :)

The Progesterone Dilemma

As I was thinking about writing this post I realized that a lot of my fellow infertiles are now past this stage and have their own little one (in or out of the womb). It didn’t make me as depressed as it usually does but it did make me wonder if you all are tired of hearing about treatments and meds and all that. All that to say that I will try to add in some non-fertility material to mix it up some :)

After this post though..because right now I could use some input from those of you who have been through or are going through or know something about all the fertility treatment stuff.

I know I have already filled you all in on what we are doing right now but to recap (in case you missed it). I had the surgery to remove a cyst and some endometriosis and fluid. Since that could have been one of the main reasons for us not getting pregnant Dr. B wants us to try naturally for two months (along with the help of Metformin and Progesterone). Since I had gotten so used to be monitored and told every day what to do..well at first I felt a little lost. Actually I still feel a little lost and although it is nice not to have to give myself shots everyday, I miss knowing exactly what is going on (and that something is going on). I think my comfort zone is in the clinic and so this is a little out of my comfort area when it comes to baby making..although it is also a lot less clinical.

Okay so here is my dilemma. Since I haven’t really had normal cycles I don’t really know when or if I ovulate. Because of that the doctor told me to use the ovulation predictor kit. She also said that I should start taking the progesterone at about day 17 (for 10 days) incase I ovulate late (because taking it before ovulation can mess up the ovulation). Today is day 16 and according to my stupid ovulation predictor kit (I am getting so tired a POAS and only getting negative results) I still haven’t ovulated. My last cycle was about 44 days (it had been about 50+ before the surgery if I even had a period). So I am wondering if I should wait until day 22 or so to start taking the progesterone? If I haven’t ovulated then I wont get pregnant anyways so it shouldn’t harm anything to wait..should it? I don’t want to take the chance of taking it too soon and then messing up the whole ovulation thing. Dr. B said the first cycle after the surgery I might not ovulate so am I just waiting for nothing?

Boy do I miss getting the calls from the nurse and being in the know about what is going on!  In the back of my mind I know that if it is the month for us to get pregnant then it will happen..but that isn’t necessarily helping right now.

So if you have any advise or suggestions feel free to pass them along :) Right now I think I am really leaning to wait at least a couple days more (like to day 21 or 22 before starting the progesterone).

A New Look for a New Chapter in Life

I truly believe that God provides different chapters in a person’s life for different reasons (ones that we may never know). Sometimes the content of the chapter may be similar but details or the reason behind the change is different. Those of you who read my last post (and thank you all of the encouragement) know that I have been having mixed feeling about this new chapter. But after a lot of praying and letting go I am starting to really settle in and enjoy what God has in store for us.

Today in bible study we talked about how God can throw interruptions into our lives and it is how we respond to those interruptions that God uses. These interruptions can be anything that causes the course of our self-planned life to detour. For me, I always thought that when we were ready to have kids we would have them. Well we all know that God has detoured my plans in that area. But it is not up to me to question why he does things, instead I have to chose to look at it as His divine intervention. He may have other methods for us to have kids or He may a have a specific time for me to get pregnant, whatever it may be I am going to joyfully (although sometimes I may not sound so joyful) settle into these detours because God is the one who is driving here :)

Okay so now onto a lighter note…I have entered the domestic world again and I have missed it!! I decided last night after really enjoying my first day work free that my blog need a make-over to reflect this new change. It feels really nice to have the house all clean and be able to meet the hubs for lunch. I am also proud to announce that I finally started cooking again …by the way if you are looking for really flavorful Pasta recipes Giada De Laurentiis has some really yummy stuff! I actually made a  menu for the week and went real grocery shopping (not just picking up diet soda and frozen dinners). So here is to embracing change and really trying to listen to what God is doing in our life.