Another BFN…sadness

I am sorry to make this such a short post but we are in the midst of packing to head out on the road for our finial trip to Utah tomorrow. I don’t know how much internet coverage I will have during the next 6 days on the road and I couldn’t leave you all hanging on the results from the preggo test today.

As you can see from the title it was not good news. I have to say I wasn’t surprised, I hadn’t really felt any of the symptoms during the last two weeks. I am not saying this as a “poor me” thing but I have moved into the phase of finding it hard to believe that it will ever happen, yet totally trusting God that in his timing IT WILL (I just have to stop letting my impatience get in the way)! Both the Hubs and I were defiantly disappointed but we are looking forward to seeing what the Utah health system has to offer and who knows maybe a new set of eyes on my case will be helpful! Don’t get me wrong, the doctors and nurses out here have been nothing but amazing!!

It is nice not to have to coordinate how to stay monitored in NJ for the first trimester while living in Utah. Although I would be lying if I didn’t say that I would rather be pregnant and having to deal with that..but again..I truly believe that God knows and has best!

I was really anxious for the call this afternoon so I sat down and read my bible while I waited and God really showed me his peace amidst the unknown!

As a way of grieving the bad news I went for a 5 1/2 mile run after the call (I haven't ran that far in a few months) and although it kicked my but it was great! I had to give myself something to look forward too so I singed up for the San Fran 1/2 marathon (I was going to do the full but there is no way to train for that in less than a month)! I am hoping that once we get out to Utah I will be able to get set up with a new doc and get back on the baby making band wagon!

Thank you all so much for your support through this all! Everyone of you encourages me and helps me keep going through all the stressful and disappointing results.

Officially a home owner!

That’s right folks, we singed the final closing papers on our house Thursday and picked up the keys later that afternoon! It was thrilling and terrifying all that the same time. I feel like I am officially a grown up now (and I guess I have to start acting like one too). After basically living out of a suitcase for the past 6 months I can’t even describe how it feels to really have our own home! Now if we can only get the movers to deliver all of our crap wonderful belongings, I would truly be a happy camper…oh and even more so if we were still in Utah right now to enjoy it!

What do I mean by that..well let me rewind a bit and catch you all up on our first trip out to Utah. You see, the hubs wasn’t going to be done with all of his final out-processing stuff in NJ till the 1st of July but we had to be back in Utah before the 30th of June to close on our house and still get the tax credit. At first we were just going to fly out and back but I don’t know if any of you have noticed the ridiculously expensive rates to travel through the air as of late (holy cow) so we decided to go ahead and drive out one of our cars to Utah the first round, fly back, and then 4 days later make the second (and final) trek out with our other car and the Charles. I really didn’t think it would be that big of a deal but let me tell you, this little teaser of a stay was almost too much for a girl to handle!

I guess I hadn’t realized how unsettled I had felt these last few months (not that I didn’t enjoy every stinking part of cali and being back in NJ) but I am ready for a home and a settled life for a bit..like 3-4 years or so. The drive out to Utah wasn’t all that pleasant due to the fact that my stomach always likes to start causing me severe pain during long road trips and that coupled with the IUI events right before we left..we lets just say I was glad to be off the road for a bit!

The hubs and I had so much fun scouting out all that the towns near us have to offer..and of course getting to see our house!! The first day that we got into town we went straight to the housing development so that I could show the hubs what our new house looks like from the outside and we were extremely excited when the guy working at the model let us have the key to go walk through our house right then (the final walk through wasn’t till the next day)! The hubs really like it, I was relieved! We love our little neighborhood and we were told that there are a lot of dogs around so Charlie should be able to make plenty of friends! One of the first things we noticed when we got into the area was how amazing the view is. I mean everywhere you go it feels like you are driving into mountains..so beautiful! The base has amazing views and since we were staying there this last week we got to enjoy them on our morning runs!

Oh and don’t even get me started on how wonderful the weather was (especially when we headed back into a major heat and humidity advisory in NJ)! I checkout some of the local malls and I think I will not be lacking :) They have super targets out there which I think I like even more than target greatland..we’ll see.

We were all set to close on our house on Thursday and then have the movers deliver out house-hold goods on Friday. For those of you who have experienced military moves you probably know as we found out, plans are always subject to change! Apparently they didn’t have a truck available to they decided to bump us to monday (when we were already back in NJ..no go) so we had to have it re-scheduled to when we get back. I was pretty bummed because I so wanted to start decorating and sleep in our home but I got over it quickly! We ended up sleeping in the house on the ground the final night there because we were being picked up at 3:30am for our flight and our house was a lot closer to the person picking us up then on base! So yes, even without any furniture we still got to have our first night in our house complete with the 4th season of LOST on the computer!

I promise I will post pictures once we get everything settled and I take some! We are starting our trip back to Utah from NJ on thursday and I am so excited! Oh and  I really miss the Charles (who is a puppy camp right now) and so I am so so excited to see him again too!!

On other news….we take our preggo test this wednesday..ahh! I am excited and scared too. I am leaving it in God’s hands though so we will see if this is our time or not….

Pop-rocks in my ovaries, dropped eggs, and the dreaded 2ww..

***Just a warning this is a long one due to the fact that I haven't been good at documenting as we go along, feel free to take a snack break and come back to finish…

It seems that every time I say that I am going to be better about posting as things happen, well, I just don’t! Even though I don’t really have an excuse for my lack of diligent blogging…I do have to say that we just finished a three day cross-country drive to Utah from Jersey (more on that later..and by later it will probably be next week when we get back to NJ..but who knows Utah might have a good effect on my consistency with blogging)! The bad part about waiting so long to write about what has been going on is that I forget those little things that seemed like a huge ordeal, but be glad because this post would probably be three times as long if I did remember them!

If I remember correctly (and I do because I just cheated and looked) I left you all hanging on the results of the release ultrasound last week. I am saddened somewhat to say that this said ultrasound was the first of like 5 or so! How is that possible you ask..well let me explain it all its gorey details (not really I’ll spare you those)!

We went in Friday and honestly I wasn’t really expecting the egg to drop, for some reason my eggs really like their little follicle cocoon! For those of you who aren’t familiar with the process, even if you haven’t released they will still do the IUI and then you have to come back later that day for a second ultrasound and hopefully at least one has released by then! So in typical Ashley follicle fashion the first ultrasound produced negative results. Although the two or three mature follicles were still holding steady. We headed back to do the IUI and the nurse that did it at first I wasn’t sure if I really clicked with. We didn’t have a very good start due to the fact that on the phone the previous day they had told me I didn’t have to get my blood work but since I hadn’t released they ended up needing it and it was past the blood run time. Luckily I was able to get it done before the IUI and they were able to get my results that day..thank you now #2 favorite nurse!

Favorite nurse #2 ended up being a God-send! I don’t know if you recall but originally they were suppose to give me a stronger trigger shot because I hadn’t released last cycle but they decided against it because of my many little follicles and the risk of having multiples. With out boring you all with too many medical details I found out from this nurse that there was another drug called Lupron that is used as a trigger shot and that they should have had me use due to the last time. I was a little upset b/c I really didn’t want this to be a wasted cycle and I didn’t want to pay for a procedure that didn’t even have a chance at working! The nurse was very understanding and said that we would talk more when I came back that afternoon.

Fastforward to later that afternoon and release ultrasound #2. Again no release and many inside tears (both from sadness and frustration)! We had to wait awhile to talk to the nurse and at first I was a little annoyed but when she talked to us I realized it was because she had talked to the doctor first. According to my blood results I hadn’t had an LH surge yet and so the doctor wanted to give me slightly rushed dose of the Lupron and then have me come back the next day for another release ultrasound and If I had released in the morning they would do another IUI that morning and if not I would come back that night and they would do another RU (release ultrasound) and no matter what they would do another IUI. I was very pleased to hear this and the nurse said the Lupron would be good for my anyways because I was hyper-stimulated.

My one concern was that we had just paid out of pocket for an IUI that had no chance at working because they didn’t give me the correct drug and now we were going to have to pay for another one that we didn’t really know if it would work. However, the doctors office is so amazing and they told us they weren’t going to charge us for the second IUI!! We were getting ready to over to the pharmacy to get the Lupron when the nurse called us back again and said she had just talked to the fertility pharmacy and they were out of the drug! So what did they do, they scored some from the IVF nurses and gave it to us for free! They have been above and beyond amazing!

We did the shots that night and then came back the next morning for RU #3. Favorite nurse #2 wasn’t working but I was pleased to see that I ended up with favorite nurse #1! She was a little confused at all that was going on but luckily I had written instructions from yesterday. RU #3 was again negative! WTH?? We then had to go about our day and come back that night for RU #4 and IUI #2. The nurse told me to rest that day since one of my follicles was up to about 43mm and several others were in the 15-26 range. Let me tell you my ovaries were feeling it! I literallly felt like there was pop-rocks in my ovaries as the follicles continued to grow..not a pleasant feeling! It is kind of neat being a freak case because you really get to know all the doctors office staff! I do have to admit though that it isn’t fun hearing them say over and over that they don’t really know what is going on and they have never seen anything like this before!

That night be came back for RU#4 and again negative results! Oh and by the way the big follicle was now up to 46mm! They told me that I had about 7 mature follicles (ie 7 potential babies..oh my)! But if they didn’t release soon I would have none :( They went ahead and did IUI#2 and since I was already in a lot of pain this one wasn’t so pleasant. They gave me a HCG booster of 5000 IU and the nurse told me that if I wanted too I could come in the next day and have another RU for my own peace of mind (it wouldn’t change anything but at least I would know). I decided to take her up on that offer.

The next morning I came back in for RU #5 and guess what??? Two had released!!! Yay! I have no idea if if it was in the right time table but I am trusting God with this! My ultrasound tech was amazing and gave me a hug for good luck! I talked to favorite nurse #1 and she was excited to confirm the two releases and gave me a hug too (they all know we are moving soon and this was our last chance there)! I can’t express how thankful I am for all of them no matter what happens and I know that God has blessed me with that office!

Now we are in Utah and in the midst of our 2ww! I haven't been feeling great but I blame it on the progesterone and the long days of driving! We go back in on the 30th for the preggo blood test!

Thanks for hanging in there during this and I will let you all know how it goes!

Okay so lets recap..

This has been a very turbulent week! Every time I would sit down to write an update something else would change drastically. So here is my attempt to feel you all in on what has been going on. I first want to say how much I appreciate all the support and prayers..you guys have made this process so much more bearable and I can’t thank you enough. Every time I would start getting stressed out I would be quickly reminded that God is in control and that people are praying!

I am excited to say that we aren’t out of the game yet this cycle. On Tuesday I was a mess waiting for the nurse to call with my blood and ultrasound results. It didn’t help that when I had my ultrasound there were still at least 10 follicles but some had gotten smaller. I find it funny that when I am anxious for them to call it seems like it takes forever for the phone to ring! They finally called around 3:30 and the nurse informed me that my estrogen had dropped to 17..not good! After hearing that number I was holding my breath waiting for her to say that this was it and this cycle wasn’t going to work. So the next thing that she said shocked and surprised me. Nurse told me that she had talked to the doc and he said to take 225 IU of menopur for two days and then come back on Thursday for blood and ultrasound again.

Honestly, I was happy to hear this and trying to be optimistic but I had major doubts, I think I was just waiting for the call that said it was over. I had asked the nurse if she really thought we might be able to use this cycle and she said that is what they were hoping for and that if my estrogen turned around it was a good possibility. I don’t know what it feels like to be pregnant but I do have to say that with 10 follicles over 10 mm and growing the pressure on my lower abdomen is crazy and I have to pee all the time!

When I went back on Thursday the ultrasound showed that the follicles had grown some and the ultrasound tech said that hopefully the estrogen had kicked back in! Usually I get really anxious for the nurses call later that afternoon and I really felt that God blessed me by not having to wait that day. I went to bible study and while we were at lunch around 12:30 (which is way earlier than they usually call) I spoke to the nurse and she said my estrogen had went up to 125 and to keep doing the 225IU of Menopur for two days and then come back on Saturday.

That brought a little bit of hope back into my life which all came crashing down when on Thursday night I started bleeding! At first it was really light and I knew it was way too soon for my period but when it was in full force Friday morning I was freaking out! At that point I knew it was all over, I mean I was bleeding and in my mind there was no way this cycle would continue. I talked to the Nurse and she said she though it was break-through bleeding and to keep doing the meds and still come in on Saturday for blood and ultrasound. Friday night it got lighter and I thought this was good but Saturday morning I was still in period mode. All during this time I kept praying for God to give me peace and that if this cycle was over to just let me hear the bad news so I could start to get over it.

The hubs and I were heading down to DC after my appointment on Saturday for one last trip to see his folks before we move and I was getting nervous because of all the unknown’s! My ultrasound on Saturday showed that I had less follicles and only one was mature (the last one had two at 19mm). I took this as a bad sign and when I talked to the nurse while I was there she was baffled at what was going on. It’s always fun when they say “I have no idea what is going on…i’ve never seen this before”! They assured me that they would know more after they got my blood results back and that it was okay to go out of town. As we drove out of town I was convinced that they would call and say that they didn’t know how but it was my period and we would have to start over. Keep in mind that I haven’t ovulated yet so it wouldn’t make sense for it to be AF!

When the nurse called she said that my estrogen has gone up to 280 and to continue to take 225IU on Saturday night and 75IU on Sunday and then come back in on Monday. I asked her about the bleeding and she said that the doc wasn’t surprised since my estrogen had dropped so low and that it should stop as my estrogen goes up! Whew..what a relief! Sure enough, the bleeding stopped the next day.

I went back in yesterday having no idea how much longer it was going to be before I would reach the time for the IUI. When they did my ultrasound the tech commented on how many follicles I had and when I looked at the paper I had at least 15! Only one was mature at 25mm and there was another close behind at 17.2. The rest were in the 16-10mm range. When the nurse called yesterday she said my estrogen was at 720..holy cow! I have never had it this high before! I did the HCG last night and I go in on Wednesday for the IUI! I made the hubs watch the video for the shot again just as a refresher and I know he did it right because I am supper sore today! Originally I was suppose to take a super shot which was double the HCG but due to the extreme amount of follicles the nurse didn't want to take the chance of several releasing so I just did one dose. My biggest prayer right now is that I will have released when I go in on Wednesday for the release ultrasound!

Well there it is..I will try and keep you all better informed and thank you all so much for your prayers and support (and for reading this super long post)! I have tremendous peace about all of this and whether we get preggo or not I know God is in control! I did tell the hubs though that if I don’t get preggo this cycle I am running the SF marathon with him at the end of July. I know I am crazy and I will have about a month to train but I don’t care..I know I will need something to look forward to :)

Have a great day!

Update on my previous update..

First if you haven’t read my last post you might want to so that this all makes sense.

After I wrote this last post with all the excitement of potential baby making I got a call from the nurse. I will warn you …this was not a good call :(

They had decreased my medication the last two days as to not over-stimulate follicle growth. Apparently, my estrogen level has dropped from 590 to 125..not good. She said that I am really sensitive to the medication and that this cycle is not ideal. She then proceeded to ask if my insurance covers IVF. I have to admit that question made my heart sink. I went on to tell her that it doesn’t and that since we are moving to Utah next month if this cycle didn’t work we would have to figure it out when we got there (not to mention the fact that I don’t think we could afford it on our own right now).

Hope is not completely lost, I am taking a higher dose of medication tonight and then going in for blood and ultrasound tomorrow. I am praying for good news on this. They are still planning on doing the IUI ..but as we can see everything can change in an instance.

I was pretty upset. My body has seemed to have a harder time handling with all the medication this round and the thought of going through this over and over again is depressing! It did remind me of how much both the hubs and I want this, and i’m not giving up but I am somewhat discouraged. As I said, it could all change and this cycle might still work.

Overall I know that it is in God’s hands and no matter what the circumstances are He can make it happen if it is in His timing. The Hubs has been amazing and we had a good talk about it today. I am nervous about tomorrow and I am trying to trust God and not worry but it is hard!

We would really appreciate your prayers during this next week..I have a feeling it isn’t going to be easy both physically and emotionally. Thanks so much for your support so far!

Updates Galore…

** a warning for any fellas that might be reading this..there is a lot of female related talk in this post and I will not be at all offended if you just skip this one..if you really want to read the rest just skip over the first few paragraphs and you shouldn’t have too much scaring!

So yeah there has been a lot going on around these parts! I have sat down several times to document our lives changes in the last few weeks but as soon as I put my fingers to the keyboard my mind goes BLANK! Yeah annoying!! Therefore, here is my attempt to catch you all up on what has been going on and what is to come :) Bear with me, I cannot guarantee it will be a smooth ride but I will try and make it speedy!

First up, the topic that has been the center of my thoughts and the Hubs and my conversations, you guessed it…baby making :) Now here we are in the middle of our third round of fertility treatment, it feels like just last week we found out we weren’t preggo and now we are getting ready for another IUI! Crazy! They say remembering the drill is like riding a bike but apparently my bike riding skills aren’t stellar either! For some reason the shots this time seemed a lot more painful and I bleed a lot more than before. I just thought it was because it had been 4 months and I just forgot what it felt like. I have also been getting crazy bloated!! Well apparently I should have re-read the directions because for about 8 days of shots I was using 2cc’s of saline instead of 1cc! That means that I have been injecting about twice as much fluid into my tummy than I needed too and maybe that is where the bruises have been coming from too! 

However, the good news is that it hasn’t affected the results because my little ovaries have been in overdrive and as of right now I have 10 measureable and nearing maturity follicles! hummm this could get interesting! The first time with the shots I had a lot but not this much and I didn’t do the IUI. The first time I did the IUI I only had one and we are unsure if I ever released. This time I am doing the IUI and I am taking a mega dose of HCG to be sure that I release. I have no idea what is going to happen and I am getting a little tired of being made aware each time the nurses call that I am at high risk of multiples!  The Hubs and I have discussed how fun it would be to have twins..more than that I am unsure but first of all we know it is up to God and we fully trust him and second we just want to get pregnant! We should be having the IUI any day now and I got a little freaked out this weekend because my girls started hurting a lot and I was afraid I had ovulated early on my own..but have no fear everything is good according to my ultrasound today! Oh and the nurse also told me that since I am on the smaller side I will defiantly be feeling all the growing follicles and that’s why I am feeling majorly bloated!

Now onto other news..I have decided that allergies are the devil (or one of his evil spawns)! It seems that each year my allergies get worse and this year was no different. I ended up with the worst sinus infection to date and had one night where it hurt so bad to sit or lay down that I basically had to walk around the whole night..not fun! It is getting a lot better thanks to my friend the z-pack and as long as I don’t sleep on my right side i’m okay :) I am ready to get out of this ever-changing weather of NJ!

On that note the move is coming up quick! We leave in two weeks to head to Utah for the first drive out. This will be a quick drive out where we will close on the house (insert squeal), have our household goods delivered and leave one of our cars out there. We will fly back to NJ and be here for a few more days and then head out to Utah for the final time. I can’t believe it is almost here and I am so so so ready to have a house and our stuff again! The movers are coming to our storage unit tomorrow to pack all of our stuff and take it away to Utah..yay! I am so excited that we aren’t moving ourselves this time. I still haven’t figured out all the doctor details of moving and maybe being pregnant but hopefully it won’t be too stressful!

Now I am off to get my new Military ID ..hopefully the system will be working! Happy monday everyone!

Stay tuned to hear about our fabulous brunch and day out yesterday..

My Hubby..the Cappy

I am very proud to announce that today my Hubs is a Captain in the Air Force! I told him that as soon as he pined on Captain I was going to start calling him my Cappy :) At first he wasn’t very thrilled but when I wouldn’t stop he finally gave in and said that I was the only one allowed to call him that (so it’s Captain to all you folks)!

The Hubs had his promotion ceremony on Thursday before the holiday weekend. The Major who was performing the ceremony told him that he could have it any where he wanted in the area (like the liberty bell or the empire state building)! Although there were a lot of really memorable locations he decided that it was more important for him to have his fellow service men and friends there (which probably wouldn’t have happened if he would have done it in one of those locations). Captain Hubs decided to have the ceremony before the morning meeting.

For the promotion ceremony it is usually up to the officer being promoted to provide refreshments (which was us). Since it was at 7:15am we went with coffee and coffee cake. I got up really early that morning, put on my domestic hat and made my mom’s famous coffee cake (basically bisquick recipe with a twist) and then we picked up Dunkin Donuts coffee for the group. I always get nervous when going to these things, especially knowing that I am going to be the only civilian and have to pin on the Hubs captain bars..scary!

Luckily it all went off without a hitch! I got to put a lot of faces to the names I have heard numerous times and every one was super nice! I was so proud to be there supporting my Hubby and hearing His higher ranking officers brag on him..yes he is pretty much amazing!

Oh and don’t worry I didn’t mess up the pinning too much, I told the Hubs I wouldn’t be at all offended if he had to readjust the pin once the ceremony was over!

I always love getting to hear him take the oath of office!

It was a lot better of a turn out than he thought it would be and I am so very very proud of him. He works hard everyday and I love seeing the respect he has earned from service men that he works over, under and with! I also cannot tell a lie.. the raise is nice too :)

Here are some of my favorite pics from promotion day..

yes he kissed me in front of everyone :)

Isn’t he so cute!!

I loved being able to be there and support him!

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!! Stay tuned for updates on the rest of our life right now..